The stresses of a debutante {Part 1}

So my party is 7 months away,
Your probably wondering why I'm planning my party in such an advance. It's because a debut is a BIG thing in the Philippine culture. I've been trying to look for a venue that I'll be able to have for my party but all these big hotels that I've been booking have been turning me down. The Chateau Laurier, Lord Elgin... arg! It's so frustrating. I'm going to have to settle for a smaller venue something not as nice as those hotels unfortunately, just because I need to get to the person who shall be making my invitations for that night and of course, I'll need to give her a place or it will not work out so well. I was thinking of the hall that the INS society used for their Christmas Party. Its not as nice, but its big enough to fit all the people i want to invite. It's nice that it has two floors as well, so for all my closest friends will be with me at the bottom and the rest of my friends and family will be upstairs and still be able to enjoy the party.
I'll be calling them tomorrow so that I can book a date =D.
I'll keep in touch!
Can't wait until my party!

*.Confessions of 2008.*

In '08 I...

[ ] stayed single
[x] got kissed
[x] kissed someone new
[x] made out
[x] made out in a car
[x] kissed in the snow
[ ] kissed in the rain
[x] had my heart broken
[x] broke someone else's heart
[x] had a stalker
[x] lost a friend
[x] had a good relationship with someone
[ ] questioned my sexual orientation
[ ] came out of my closet
[ ] got pregnant
[ ] had an abortion
[ ] got married
[ ] had a divorce
[x] kissed someone of the same sex
[x] met someone that I will never forget
[x] did something I regret
[ ] lost my true love
[x] lost faith in love
[ ] kissed under mistletoe
[x] got a promotion
[x] got a pay raise
[x] changed jobs
[ ] lost my job
[ ] quit my job
[ ] dated a co-worker
[ ] dated my boss
[ ] dated my boss's son/ daughter
[ ] got fired from my job
[ ] got straight A's
[x] met a teacher who I became friends with
[x] met a teacher who I really hate
[x] found the subject I love
[ ] failed a class
[x] cut class
[x] skipped school
[ ] got in a fight with a classmate
[x] did something I was happy with
[x] discovered a new talent
[x] proved myself an idiot
[x] embarrassed myself in front of the class
[ ] fell in love with a teacher
[x] was involved in something that I will never forget
[x] painted a picture
[x] wrote a poem
[ ] ran a mile 2000 times
[x] double dipped
[x] skinny dipped
[x] went to a sleepover
[x] went to camp
[x] threw a surprise party
[x] laughed till I cried
[x] laughed till I peed my pants
[x] flirted shamelessly
[ ] visited a foreign country
[x] visited a foreign province
[x] cooked a disastrous meal
[x] lost something important to me
[x] got a gift I love
[x] realized something new about myself
[x] went on a diet
[x] tried to gain weight
[x] dyed my hair
[x] came close to losing my life
[x] someone close to me died
[x] went to a wild party
[x] drank alcohol
[x] drank alcohol underage
[x] got drunk
[ ] got arrested
[x] read a great book
[x] saw a great movie
[x] saw a movie so scary that it made me cry
[ ] saw a favorite band live
[x] did something that I want to tell everyone
[x] experienced something new
[x] made new friends
[x] found out who your real friends are
[x] lied to your parents
[x] snuck out
[ ] got in trouble with police
[x] kissed in a pool
[x] kissed under the stars
[x] smoked
[x] got wasted
[x] went to a party
[x] had the time of your life
[x] danced
[x] fell out of love
[x] had a crush on someone
[ ] changed your sexual preference
[x] made a snowman
[x] swam in a pool
[ ] went snowboarding
[x] went sledding
[x] slept in past 2pm
[x] held someone’s hand that you care about
[x] got wasted in a public place
[ ] got wasted in Mexico
[x] told someone you like them as more than a friend...
[x] went on vacation
[x] went on vacation with a friend
[ ] driven a car
[x] played strip poker
[x] danced in the rain
[ ] got in a car accident
[x] saw someone get in a car accident
[x] got in a fist fight
[x] laughed until you couldn't breathe
[x] had an amazing year
[x] missed someone
[ ] got hit by a car
[ ]sent someone to the hospital
[ ] got a new pet
[x] enjoyed this year overall

First of all, I started off 2008 with a new years resolution that I didn't do. My resolution was to grab the life that I truly deserve, and that was to be without you. Unfortunately, I was so scared and weak to do anything. I should have listened, but I didn't.

Celine, this one is for you baby girl! I miss you so friggen much, there isn't a day in this world that goes by, that I don't think about you. I regret not phoning you back during the summer holidays when you asked me to hang out, catch up on the old times and talk about "them boys". I miss the days when we would have to go to the park to chill just because we didn't want to be at my house where my annoying parentals would be. Celine, I love and miss you everyday, and I'll live my life keeping you alive in my heart forever&always! Keep smiling twin sister!

This one goes out to my two best friends who stood by me even when I pushed them back so many times. Honestly, I don't know what I would do without you! I regret ever mistreating you and never taking your advice to go the right way in life. I'll always stand by you, like you stood by me. I love you Chloe-Baloney & Smurph-a-ella!

This one is for the one who captured my heart, and kept reminding me to kept my head up high.
If it wasn't for the alcohol that I consumed that night, I don't think I would have confessed that I liked you. I'm glad that I did or else I wouldn't be as happy as I am today. You show me the beautiful person who is hiding inside of me. I love you, Nathan and seeing that I'll be with you during the New Year already lets me know that it will be so much better than the last.

This one is for the family who had to put up with me. I'm sorry for putting you guys though what I did. I regretted ever leaving the house, when I did I thought about you guys everyday I was away. I'm sorry for not being the daughter that you made me to be. I thought he would have givin' me the things that I truly wanted in life, but you know what. I'm still young for that. I'm sorry, you were right and I was wrong, I'll never go back against your word ever again. I'm just glad that you like the current boy in my life, it takes a lot of stress off my shoulders for sure =D.

Overall, I had a good year, with my ups and my downs. I've learned to never run away from your fears, because they will always just keep chasing you.
My new years resolution is to build up my self esteem that was lost during the year of 2007.

I found you...

"We were given two hands to hold, two eyes to see, two legs to walk, two ears to listen. But why just one heart, The other one was given to someone else to find."

&& i think i found my heart in you...

A letter to my PrinceCharming

ҳهҳه -P н є в є J α n є - ҳهҳه
will you play the role as prince charming?

Haller (L)s PJ Ti amo
anyday

Haller (L)s PJ Ti amo
would you be my princess?

ҳهҳه -P н є в є J α n є - ҳهҳه
in a heartbeat

PrinceCharming,

To you on this Christmas season, I would like to give you something better that can't be packaged or bowed. Something, so little and delicate that cannot be played with. I would like to give you my heart, meaning all of me.

When I'm with you, its so magical and unreal, its like a wish waiting to be granted, and its being granted right before my eyes. You give me something better than what a child would feel on that Christmas morning, when they're opening their special gifts underneath the tree.

I am ready to start a NewYear with you, forgetting all the worries and fears that I had.

I'm sitting here waiting,
Tears running down my face.
Have you forgotten about me again?
My heart is collapsing,
I can feel it start to lose its beat.

Multiple Persons Inside Of Me

I feel my emotions fighting themselves.
It's they all have different masks and I don't know which one to wear
One second ill be happy
and another ill be angry and sad.
I just hate this feeling.
I hate not knowing who i want to be
not being able to control my emotions

I don't know what made this start up again
I'm confused as shit,
or is it loneliness I'm feeling?

Lessons for the guys

Stop looking at me like I'm some item on the shelf.
Stop striping me naked with your eyes, I'm not stupid
I hate it when guys just make it so obvious when they're checking a girl out
Seriously, can't you tone it down.
Its not appealing.
If you think your going to get a girl like that think again.
Stop being shallow, look deep into a girls heart.

I'll get through this one [PILL] at a time

I can feel it, I'm not the person that I was for the last couple of months. I can feel the emotions of being scared and lonely comming back to me. I hated those days, I wasnt who I was. You may thought I was fine, but actually that was just this little pill that plays with my emotions and brings me to a better mood. I can't believe that I'm starting this again, but It's the only way people won't suspect that anything is wrong. I know I shouldn't but yet it makes me feel so much better.

My decision

I held on to the rope for too long.

Because I can feel you slipping away from my grip.

Forbidden to remember, Terrified to forget.

I forbid myself to remember.
All those times we shared.
They seem like nothing since we never talk anymore.
I remember how my eyes would glow when I saw your face.
Or my head would perk up at the sound of your name.
All that has changed now and I don't understand the reasons why.

I am terrified to forget.
All those times we shared.
Just because those are the times when I was truly happy.
You don't know how much it meant to have you in my life.
Now that I feel that I'm without you.
Its so very cold.
Also, the other reason why i don't want to forget.
Is because those were the times that you told me you loved me.

Buses make me mad!

Well the city of Ottawa has been struck by a dilemma that has caught the attention of many. Employers of the Oc transpo (the local buses here in Ottawa, for those who don't know) have decided to go on strike because of the new union agreement. To my knowledge, before the strike, they had 12 sick days, and now the union took away the 12 and made it down to 6 because the contract expired or something. ANYWAY. The city of Ottawa tried to stop the strike by giving them two extra sick days... making it a total of 8, however that didn't impress the bus drivers and mechanics of OC transpo. It is day 3 of the strike, and has been 3 days that I haven't seen buses on the streets of Ottawa.
As a bus rider, I am definitely sick and tired that the government is waiting for them to make a move. They will not make a move unless you make one first, hence the strike. Seriously, we NEED these buses back on the streets, and it doesn't seem like the city of Ottawa is trying their hardest in the dilemma that has struck the streets of Ottawa.

A tear has fallen from my eye.

A tear has fallen from my eye.
Its not a question, anymore. I miss you.
Its been weeks since I've seen your face.
Days since I've heard your voice.
I just don't know what to do.
I feel a sudden change between us.
That sends tears down my face.
I don't like this feeling in the pit of my stomach.
I want you to be here with me.
To hold me, To guide me.
But your to far away.
I can't reach you.
But I'll always be here waiting.
'Till that day...

What I think about Holiday Hours!

*ARGGGG!

Give me a gun, and make it go BANG!

Seriously, I understand that people need to get their shopping done, but honestly. If I'm here typing up this blog, I highly doubt its THAT busy to keep us open for another hour. Its defiantly not helping our sales. You know what my theory is. I think the reason why people don't shop at this mall after 6 is because their all in bed. HAVE YOU SEEN THE CLIENTELE IN THIS MALL? Their old, they need their sleep, no one is going to shop at Carlingwood mall past 9 o'clock. If its the week of Christmas I understand, but I don't understand why we have to do this to the week of. *sighs, I'll just have to endure it I guess.... Well I've I survive from the boredom

My eyes grow weak.

I sit here, waiting, wondering.
On the computer.
My eyes slowly drift to sleep.
They reopen, as the sudden sound startles me,
but its not you, its someone else.
I read for a little while,
As my eyes slowly drift away again.
I'm fast asleep.

I wake up, to my realisation you went on.
I feel bad that I didn't stay awake.
I lost my chance to talk to you.
Until the next time
I guess...

My dearest friend.

I felt like I was a lost little girl, until you returned to me.

I remember how you would make me laugh, with all the weird things you do.
I remember how you would always help me up when I fell.
I remember when you would clean me up when I scraped my knees.
I remember when you held me in your arms until my tears dried up.

You were always the strong shoulder to cry on, and was always there for me when I needed you.
You were always the friend who stood by my side, through thick and thin.
You always stood up for me when I felt small.
You were always there to stand behind me when I was scared.
You were the one who carried me when I was weak.

I'm so glad that your back. My life seems complete.
I love you for that.

If I needed you, Where would I find you?

If I went looking for you,
Where would I find you?

If I screamed out your name,

Would you hear me?

If I cried,

Would you wipe the tears?

If I needed you,

Would you be there for me?

If I was lonely,
Would you hold me?

If I was broken,

Would you fix me?

Theres this feeling of need, inside of me that I just can't explain. I don't know if its because I miss you, or the lack of communication between us. I'm not used to this. I was used to him, always calling me at the end of the day seeing how my day was, and I liked it. It's different I know just because your so far away and your always so busy, but what if I needed you? Where would I find you, how could I reach you?

Sometimes, I just want to talk to you, and no one else. It's kind of like your the only one who can understand my point of view, or can tell me that the person that I am, is much greater than I believe to be. Your the one that I love, and sometimes, your the only one I want to talk to.

Getting out of your comfort zone

I'm here in a different enviroment then i'm used to.
I'm used to my store, with everything in its place and where everything is.
But here, it looks the same.
But it doesn't feel the same.

I'll wear this white ribbon to remember... and be aware

Tomorrow is the National Day of Rememberance & Action on Violence Against Woman. On that day in 1989, 14 young women at l'École Polytechnique de Montréal died, because they were women. He seperated the class, men on one side, women on the other. Asked the men to step outside, and then shot each and everyone of the women in the class. Its not just violence as in shooting either, its abuse, wheater its verbally or physically we have to recognize and not repeat. Its also the song lyrics that some people have and what they say and call us women. Do we really like to be called this from our day to day lives? Why is it right for them to have it in their lyrics?

I say this from a person of experience who came out of a horrible relationship where I had to be careful of what I say or do. I would get hit constantly just because I wasn't strong enough, or just because I didn't listen to his authority. The man isn't more powerful than the woman in the relationship, there should be equality in the relationship and where two people can talk like civilized people.

To my spare buddies.... Max & Melissa

What am i to do without you two?

honestly
i would be just be sitting here just typing away like a loner

to max. always there.
when its running to produce for some hummus :) or cheese?
haha, or just running around the halls just frolicking
from showing me today's sunshine girls to watching videos on your mp3
lol... mahn laughs are non stop with you!

to melissa. shopping buddy!
known you since kindergarden
went different ways and now your my fav shopping buddy on spare!
we still have to get our nails done!
remember that time when you showed us your tan line?
woow... good times....
:)

Build-a-Bearing

well, i don't really know what to write since i have like less than 10 mins to write it
i got an email from build-a-bear and i want to make another one to add to my collection
hello-kitty, dressed up as tinkerbell
cinderbear
merbear
bellbear
jasbear
snowbear
hannah montana bear
in love with zac efron bear
.... and more that i might have just cant think of them

my bear family is lonely
and i just found out that my bear family is all girls...
i think i need to add a male into the family...
yes... i think so too

I'm in love with him. Deal with it.

I don't understand why you're acting like a child.
Please honestly stop trying to ruin my life.
I love him, and I don't want to lose him.
Please, seriously.
You know how happy I am with him.
Stop telling him lies that aren't true
Just stop messaging him period.
I don't understand why your doing this.
Is it just to make me unhappy.
To be alone in this world,
because you know that's what I'm afraid of?
Or are you trying to get him to leave me,
so I could be the vulnerable little girl you used to torment?
Well its not like that, I believe that what I have with him is love,
though its not marked yet.
I also, believe that if this is love, that love can push down walls,
and beat down anything that comes between it.

Finding the perfect present, for that perfect someone...

I've been searching for days, and even bought a couple of things here and there. However, nothing seems like the perfect gift for you. None of them show how much you mean, or have much meaning to them.

This girl... Loves you...

There was this girl, who fell so happily in love with this guy. It was fate who brought them together.
She thought love like this could only be fantasised or be seen in movies, but oh, how she was wrong. Everytime she is reconnected with you, she gets light headed and almost faints. But when you speak, she snaps out of it and wakes up from her dream to come into a reality so unreal its like a movie. She stumbles a bit, as her knees get weak, but you take her hand and help her on her feet. You look into her eyes and smile, that smile you have and she knows that this is right. They sit down, she catches her breath to try and calm down her happy heart. She turns to you and you kiss her, ever so gently. She wonders where the director is, and when he's going to yell cut, but this isn't a movie. This is life, and she is so lucky to have you as her leading man in the movie of her mind. She wonders how the next step of her movie is going to play out.

"Acts of Kindness, Creates chain reactions"

"I have this theory that if one person can go out of their way to show compassion then it will start a chain reaction of the same." - Rachel Scott

Today I learned about a girl with this dream. This one girl who started a chain reaction of kindness.
She was the first victim out of 13 who lost their lives at the shootings at Columbine High School in 1999. From that day on, Rachel's Story impacted the world.
She was a girl who loved to write, two months before she died, she wrote an essay called "My Ethics, My Codes of Life". She was projected as a kind hearted soul who cared for everyone most importantly she was a friend to everyone. She wanted to make a difference in the world because she knew that she didn't have a long time to make it happen. She was the one who sat with the new kid, or who stood up for the bullied, and who loved the unloved.
As i listened to her story, I stood up for her, and took Rachel's Challenge:
I encourage you to read about her if you haven't heard her story. www.racheljoyscott.com and take the challenge.




Second thoughts:
This is a picture that Rachel drew outside the school doors when she got shot:The speaker told us, that it was weird to see thirteen tears... when that day, thirteen people would lose their lives. Thirteen tears, that turn into blood droplets on the rose.

Breathe In, Breathe Out.

Breathe In.
I want to scream.
Breathe Out.
You never listen to my ideas.

Breathe In.
You always avoid telling me things.
Breathe Out.
You exclude me on from the meetings.

Breathe In.
Honestly, Take my feelings into consideration.
Breathe Out.
Stop, Yelling at me.


@#$%
[1] [2] [3] [4]... I count to ten.
I am seriously sick of this class. This school does nothing. How many times have I complained about you. Administration says that they will do something, but they do jack.

All I want for Christmas is you ♪

This is my Christmas wish list...

• Clothes (especially dresses)
• Shoes
• Jewelry
• Purses
• Favoured Holiday Chocolate Treats (Ferro Rocher, Turtles etc.)

The most important thing on my Christmas list is love. I love spending it with friends and family. I'm not very materialistic as most people think. If I don't get anything on my Christmas list, I'll be happy spending it by the fire with the person I love, singing Christmas carols with friends, or having a feast with my family. Christmas is seen now as getting presents, it is no longer seen as the birthday of Jesus. It's seen as a day of presents, yes I do buy presents for my friends and family, but I don't want them to see it as something for Christmas, but as something thoughtful and well prepared out of love.

My Yearbook Friend <3

Chloe!
I sit here, and wonder how your having so much fun without me.
I'm dying here, trying to get pages done. ARGG!
The dude came again, and told us a few pointers on how our pages should look.
Arhhh... :(
I'm lonely...
My yearbook friend, i miss you

YOUR NOT STUCK TO EACH OTHER!

OK, couples who think they're attached at the hip makes me sick. Yes I know that you might love him or her, but is it seriously necessary to wear him as a scarf? He's all over you and your all over him, would it kill you to walk down the halls with no attachment to your significant other? It bothers me, when I see couples making out in the halls to. Seriously, save it for private times. I understand a kiss here and there, but don't grope your girlfriend/boyfriend for the world to see. Personally, I think thats for you and your partner, not for the world to see.

OK, im not bashing everything about couples. I understand couples holding hands and a kiss on the forehead, but are PDA's (Personal Displays of Affection) really attractive to see? I have a boyfriend myself, and had past relationships, and never did I need to show the world that I love him, I can tell them if I wanted them to know. The only person who needs to see that I love him, is him, himself...

Please don't wake me up from this dream.

If this is a dream don't wake me up.
If this is reality, this is better than my dreams could ever be.

How can you define a dream?
I when I dream I keep my favourite childhood movie in mind.

"A dream, is a wish your heart makes,
When your fast asleep."

When I was a little girl,
I would always dream about falling in love.
I didn't think it would be as good and real as this.

♪ ' When I'm all alone, I'll be sitting here, beside the telephone ' ♪

Why don't you ever call?

I get that you might be busy,

But I really do miss you, from time to time.

It's crazy,

Even if it might be a two minute conversation

That will still do me justice.

I guess it's because I just want to hear your voice

And know that your OK.

You might be thinking,

Why don't you call me then?

It's a hurdle I have to overcome,

I'm scared/nervous to call your house.

I don't know why,

And I apologise,

That I can't explain it.

This sunday...

On this Sunday,
I wanted to see you since I missed you.

We had a quiet day at your house,
making grilled cheese sandwiches,
and your famous fudge.

Met your mom,
who was so welcoming
and so energetic.
Your brother,
the cutest thing ever
you can see the family resemblance

Looking though family albums,
you definatly were such an adorable kid
and very happy if i might add.
Me, lets just say I was a kid
with many different facial expressions for every picture.

We settled down, downstaires
watched Cinderella, and some
NON-CLASSICAL DISNEY MOVIE:
Monsters INC.
but it is a great movie none the less

Soon it was time for me to go,
however I didn't want to go.
You kissed me,
Then you kissed me again.
And from that last kiss,
I started to miss you
even though i was still with you.

Riding home, i replayed moments in my head
and thinking how happy you've made me
the past couple of weeks.
I'm so glad that your in my life.

À la prochaine...

Lalala ♪ on spare...

Just another day with max sitting next to me
being bored once again
spare after lunch, on a slow friday afternoon

I really enjoy when spare is at the end of the day
i don't like this alternating thing
i wish it was at the end of the day all the time
yes i like having longer lunches
but going home early is a bonus too...
ARHHH!

I really feel uncomfortable sitting next to max to telll you the truth
I think he secretly wants to beat me up
because of the constant poking i did to him at lunch so that he would lose his arm wrestling game with priestly
Yes, he is reading is boook.
But i know secertly inside he is reading this blog over his book wanting to jump kick me in the face ;)

lalala ♪ i dont know what to write about.
sorry about the random blog

" Without Wax "

LOVE MUST BE SINCERE
Paul’s first command is “love must be sincere”. This is one of those times when we can understand the text much better after we have looked at the words carefully. The word “sincere” comes from the Latin words sine cera, which means “without wax”. According to one popular explanation, dishonest sculptors in Rome or Greece would cover flaws in their work with wax to deceive the viewer; therefore, a sculpture "without wax" would mean honesty in its perfection.

So when you said those words, I didn't know what they meant. It was seriously driving me insane how you were being all mysterious saying that I shall know in time. Well it kept me up all night, tossing and turning wondering what it was. Chloe and I did a little research in yearbook, and we figured it out.

I think that's the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me. Honestly, it's so original and I obviously didn't hear it before, and I'm glad that it was you who introduced this expression to me. Here I am sitting, typing away, thinking about it. This is a time were I want to find the perfect words to explain how I'm feeling, but as I said in a past blog, "Words cannot paint your true emotions".

a timeline to where we are now...

First day, met at The Stars on Rise talent competition at the SuperEX. I had definitely fell in love with your voice, and that is why I asked you if you wanted to do a recording for a charitable CD that would sell to raise funds for cancer. We became instant friends, though when i tried to get a hold of you it was like you didn't exist.

Then a year or so later, on one random day on facebook (the utility that connects people), you were on my friends list, I guess it was because since you were on my msn contact list it automatically added you. We talked again about how singing was going for the both of us, we talked about chilling at Holy Trinity, since I was going to a volleyball game. You said you would show, but I didn't see you there. Funny thing was, later on that day, you said that you did go, guess it was such a big school, we just didn't bump into each other in the hallway.

I invited you to my house, you met my friend Chloe. You were going to pick up your ticket to the fashion show for Kids Help Phone. We sang, but then my mother came down and told us to be quiet. We talked for a bit, I showed you "What, What in the Butt". I looked at Chloe, and she could see it in my eyes, that I was definitely liking you, but you talked about another girl so I kept shut. You asked Sara, my "LOVE GURU". My mother was getting mad because it was getting so late. I'm so sorry she freaked you out. Shortly after, your dad was there to pick you up.

The day of the fashion show, I was really hoping that somehow, some way, you wouldn't show. It was going to be a lame show anyway. Yet to my surprise you didn't show. Yes I wanted to see you, but I didn't want you to waste your time at a lame, Gap fashion show that lasted 15 minutes with a 4 minute choreographed routine taken from the High School Musical. You don't even know how happy I was. Yes, It was that lame.

We tried talking on the phone on a daily basis, you were the friend I would turn to for relationship problems. You always knew the right thing to say when I was heartbroken. Deep down inside, however, I liked you. There was no question for it, I was always afraid to say something, because there was always another girl you would talk about. There was always that little voice in my head, why can't that be me.

I'm never going to forget that time that you called me right after I came back from the hospital. I wasn't expecting it. I was so ashamed! Missing the dance just because I fell up the stairs and had to be rushed to the hospital to get stitches. But as soon as I got home, the phone ringed, with the caller ID flashing your number. I answered told you what happened. You definitely made me feel better, with our random conversations that went from talking about Mono - Rudolph the Red Nose reindeer. Even though I had a HUGE headache, you made me feel better.

You told me about your show, Sara and I bought tickets. I was impressed by your stage presence and as from the beginning I fell in love with your voice. Near to the end, as the final number was coming, a jolt of shock came from behind! It was you, Sara and I were lucky you were so concentrated with the show that you didn't see how scared we got. After the show, we met up with you in the foyer and congratulated you on your great performance. That night, I definitely couldn't stop thinking you.

The night before the annual Peace Conference, I had a dream. I was there, chilling with my friends having a blast meeting new people as I do every year at Peace Conference. The next day I told Sara, she laughed at the thought of my dream, because it was literally a one in a million chance. We got there, set up our stations. Phil, Sara, Erica and I were in a group chatting away dancing to the jazzy tunes of Holy Trinity when there was a tap on my shoulder. I turned around only to see you. I honestly was full of shock I couldn't even say anything all I did was turn around with a stunned expression and looked at Sara. You probably thought I was insane and you said hi to Sara, I finally snapped out of it and gave you a hug. It was so weird seeing you, but I enjoyed hanging out with you, because I haven't seen you in a while.

After that day we didn't talk for months.

We messaged each other again, to plan another hang-out day. We met up at Bayshore, chilled for a bit, ate some yummy cinnabons, then met up with Sara. That day, we found some enormous shoes, fashionable hats at Le Chateau, and a amazing dress for Sara.

Remember when I came into the Gap that day with Sasha? I actually wasn't looking for anything. I just wanted to pop in to see if you were working. She was the one who wanted to buy a couple of summer shirts and she happened to come to my store when I was done my shift, so I tagged along with her to Bayshore. You were working, and like always you welcomed me with a smile.

After that day, we casually talked more on facebook and started to make plans to see each other again. We made plans for a Friday, you were going to tag along to the sushi day that was originally planned. You met my friends Trevor, Max, Ashely & Joesph. You definitely fit into the crew. We had a lot of laughs then it was off to downtown for some shopping and tuckers. I was going to show you my special place, however, it was raining and it wouldn't have been the best place and time to show you. I had a great time wondering around rideau mall with you, and realised those feelings from the past had resurfaced. We met up with your friend Corey and headed to Tuckers for dinner. Time was ticking, and the haunted walk was about to begin, not going to lie, it was kinda lame, but the stories she told were cool. It was nice to walk around downtown with you, taking in the night life of Ottawa. The walk was done, and we went home.

A month passed, and one random day, I thought of you. I remembered that night you said you wanted to do a karaoke night. So i invited you to that and you were really excited about it. Corey and Sara came along, and the songs ranged from Thriller - I'm all out of love - Zombie. We got tired of singing so we pulled out Disney's scene it. I was surprised of how everyone was kicking my ass at my own game! We had fun none the less, and a plan to watch numerous Disney movies had been spoken of. We went to go pick up Alisa, after her shift and around that time Corey and Sara had to leave. Alisa had the brilliant idea of playing 21 questions. A lot of interesting things about you came up that I was really shocked about. But alas, like every other time, the day had to end.

I started noticing you online more and more. We chatted and even played 21 questions again. I wanted to see you again, so I invited you to come to Becca's party. We drank, laughed, and met some interesting people. I obviously drank to much that the truth was coming out. I confessed to Alisa about how much I liked you, Alisa intervened. I was downstairs, and you came down with Alisa, she obviously told you. We tried to play spin the bottle but with four girls and one guy it doesn't work out well. Then Alisa gave up and just told us to kiss. I looked at you, and you stretched your hand, I took it into mine and you invited me to sit next to you on the couch. Next thing, I know we were face to face, about to kiss. Never going to forget, that moment we kissed. You had to go, so I offered to walk you to Dovercourt. I was obviously tipsy, so I needed Max by my side. At dovercourt, you showed Max, your definitely light on your feet. Right then, I pictured you as perfect. You had to leave, and the for rest of the night, I just kept thinking about that kiss we shared.

We talked about the party the next day on the phone. You told me that it wasn't the alcohol that caused you to tell Alisa that you liked me. I was thrilled. I didn't even know what to think. The a couple weeks after, we made plans to go see Mama Mia. (See Blog: A Knight for a Princess)

This is just a dream come true for me. It's never felt this real, and by looking back on our timeline, I truly believe we'll share more memorable memories together.

OH MY FUCKING GOD! i hate this class...

I tried to make an effort to do something in this class
and nothing gets credited
Ill be honest
I didn't do work for a while just because I was pissed off at your authority
But when I do, do something
and you "supposedly like it"
you fucking change it on me
this class honestly, is fucking dumb
im on my last rope
i have no hope for this yearbook anymore
i worked so hard on the shit you wanted me to do
but it only gets deleted but another idiotic student
honestly...
this is the last straw...

I had to do it.

I had to do it,
it was getting out of control
you calling me
you messaging my friends
it had to stop.

but for some reason,
i kept stalling
until this day

i walked out of school,
only to find you there
you threaten me with a knife
saying if i don't talk to you you'll use it
i got scared,
i was paralyzed
it was like i was a block of ice
then the bus came
and i ran for it

i just wanted to get home
as fast as i can
as soon as i got the that stoplight
there you were again
i don't know how you got there so fast
but i ran for it
didn't care if i got hit by a car
i ran for it
i ran for the house
screamed in horror and locked the door
and then, i called the cops

they came sirens and all,
pointing their gun at you
i was scared because i knew you were resisting arrest
as much as i hate you
i didn't want to see you shot right in front of my eyes
finally they handcuffed you and took you away

i signed more papers,
gave more statements
what more do i have to do
to get you out of my life

Hello, are you jealousy?

Wow, I've heard alot about you,
never thought it would feel this way
I thought it was just a bunch of angry actions
but you can be more than that.

I think that words are stonger than actions
not a scar on my body,
yet my heart cries.
you can tell by your words
of how you described her.

If she was your ex.
I have two questions.
Is this real, or am I another one of those girls that you can use to re-create her.

Emotions are difficult to paint with words.

In English class, we had a discussion about words.



Everything really made sense to me because I sometimes can't really explain myself with words. Its difficult just because emotions are something that we humans don't really understand. Yes, we feel love, joy, jealousy and betrayal. But if someone actually asked you how you are feeling, its as if the words aren't enough to express the true feelings inside. Sometimes in my blogs, I feel that I didn't express myself well enough with the words I have chosen. Maybe I'm not explaining myself well enough right now?



To understand how to explain feelings, is unthinkable. Think of it, if you knew how to explain yourself all the time, how would life be interesting? If you can tell the person that you love them, with only words, how would it be thrilling, to show him how much you feel with actions? It would seem as if the feeling wasn't as big as if you were trying to explain it trying your hardest to find the right words. Its like new born babies, trying to understand the world. If they came out understanding why they hurt, or why we make those weird faces at them, what would the fun of adventure be, were would the fun of being mysterious be?

dream talk

Here I am, in the morning,
Eyes half open, my hair a mess
Still shocked of the outcome, of last night
My heart raced, reading how you feel
Then a permanent smile grew across my face.

I've never been this happy,
Just by talking to someone.
I long for the next time we speak again,
Until then, I will think of you...

Everytime

Every time you hold me,
I feel safe in your arms
Every time you touch me,
Shivers go down my spine
Every time you look into my eyes,
Everything feels so right.
Every time you smile
My heart skips a beat
Every time you say goodbye,
I long for your "hello"
Every time I think of us,
I believe that is a dream
Every time i speak your name,
It brings me great smiles
Every time that i gaze at your picture,
I wonder what your doing
Every time you kiss me,
Its like time has stopped

Me and my big mouth

Everything went well
untill we were alone
I think i said things that
you didn't want to hear
I feel dumb, i shouldnt have
it was just a theory nothing based on facts

omg how my heart is pounding hoping that its not a big deal....

Christmas ♥

So everyone is starting to decorate for Christmas
and this is where i get really excited

i love the decorations
i love the lights
i love the white snow (when its not cold)
i love Santa
i love shopping
i love the family dinners
i love the laughs with friends
i love remembering the great year
i love Christmas carols
i love Christmas

this is the time of year,
were you can get away being cheesy
being all lovey with the person you love
cuddle up close to the fire
roast chestnuts
take a sleigh ride.

tell that person that you love them.
and if it doesn't work out.
take the new year to find someone new

Just an emotional girl

Just because you know that I'm crying for you
Doesn't mean you can help me
your not my therapist
your my enemy.

You told me that you wanted to see me
i asked you why
you asked me just to fuck you
I asked you if i was just a slut to you
like all those other girls were
just another girl whom you can dispose of after your done
like a tissue or something

well I'm not like that, sorry
I cant
i will not talk to you
i will not be your friend
lastly, i will not come back to you

how many times do i have to tell you!

It broke my heart...

It broke my heart saying those words
I am very sorry that i did
but it was for the best

You don't understand
how he is like i do,
He is a freak.
You might have thought that his email
was sweet and innocent
but i hacked into his account
and saw it

I'm so sorry that i got you into this
your better than to be in this kind of drama
I let you go,
so that i know
He will never find you.
and hurt you.

Him
Today at 1:01pm
hey its justin janes ex bf i know that we dont know each other and all and well i know you two are dating and well really i am ok with that like i told her im glad your the one with her and not someone the only thing im asking of you is to stay with her make sure shes safe make sure she makes the right choices and im telling you nicely as i can dont hurt her

Analyzing the letter

He's glad that it was you not any one else?? Doesn't make any sense since he never liked it when we talked, or saw each other.

Make sure she's safe? Might mean that he might come to find us when we are together and confront us.

Make sure she makes the right choices. Means that I should make a better choice than you.

And telling you as nicely as he can not to hurt me. Means if i shed a tear, or if i draw blood. He's coming after you for not taking care of me

Hello little girl, little toy

You make me laugh
when you think you know him like i do
cuz you dont

please don't act all cool

because your talking to an older guy

because your just a little toy to him

cant you see?

he's just using you to get over me

honestly i have proof

he's a despret and just wants to get in your pants

You have a good boyfriend,

a better boyfriend than what he was

seriously

dont loose that

you dont want to deal with the drama-rama

that comes with him

please, dont ruin your life like i did

im not saying that im jealous

cuz im not

my life right now is great

i have everything for me now

things that he could never give me

i dont hate you

i hate him for what he did to me

and the only reason why im warning you

is because i dont want you do go threw

what i had to go threw

i know you will never read this,

but there might be that chance

take my words of advice

and stay away from him

Dear Desperate

Desperate
November 8 at 2:02pm
1 i didnt know and 2 im going through some shit and i just need to get it
all out and get her out of my headdont take this the wrong way but ill pay you
if you like

Girl
November 8 at 2:04pm
how long were you guys going out for ?

Desperate
November 8 at 2:05pm
year and half so will you

Girl
November 8 at 2:06pm
sleeping with me wont get her out of your head justin . i`m not trying to
be mean but i can`t let you do that . and i wont do that to you either
.first off i`m not some booty call whore and secondly my boyfriend and i have
been together for almost two years and i will not cheat on him . im sorry if
thats all you want from me than i guess it`s best you stop talking to me
now

Desperate
November 8 at 2:07pm
60bucks and it will never happen again

Girl
November 8 at 2:08pm
justin you can`t pay me to have sex with you .

Desperate
November 8 at 2:09pm
im sorry i just need to get over her no matter at what the cost it bejust
asking for one time thing never happen or mentioned again

OMG seriously.
now this is going to far
you've asked how many girls?
I'm sorry, you've lost all my respect
I would have been your friend
when i saw that things between us have calmed down
but honestly?
you took this to the wrong level
how do you think this makes me feel?

Seriously,
word of advice.
girls are not whores
dont go asking them for sex straight up
give them the respect that you didnt give me
secondly,
there not something that you can buy at a store.

Desperate
November 8 at 12:54pm
question may be awkward for you
but wondeirng if you wanted to have sex just msg me saying your answer ok

p.s. this shows me that you will never change

Yearbook, I wish you would burn

I honestly cant wait
to get this yearbook in my hands
I would watch it burn
and remember how much i worked on it
fuck

so many times how i wanted
to scream and yell at you
and tell you how much of an idiot you are
seriously
your the teacher
SO TEACH

you ask us what we want for our marks
are you dumb?
i want 100 percent
are you seriously going to give me that
didn't think so
since you obviously hate me

you pick favourites
honestly
it shows
you say that you needed
me and Chloe in this project
when we wanted to drop out
and what the fuck
every time you talk about the yearbook
you fucking don't ask us to join
ARGG YOU MAKE ME MAD

i want to scream
i want to get out
i want to punch you

To Daryll, where ever you are...

I was always there for you,
through out the good times and the bad.
But oviously you were hiding something...

You up and left us.
me,
your family
your friends
even your girlfriend
without any notice
you disappeard without a trace
and the only thing we had to go with was;
Goodbye, I joined the army.

Years has past,
still no word,
It was like i lost my best friend,
i told you everything
you definatly took a piece of my heart.
we tried and tried to re connect with you
but yet, nothing

yet something stuck me.
a friend of yours, i guess
he asked me if i knew you
my heart sank as i almost said no.
he told me that you showed him pictures
of friends and family you had back home.
i fought back the tears
when he told me you were fine
and how you missed us all
then i left with no other word

I tried to find him again,
but it was if that was the only thing
you wanted me to know
that you were fine and missed us
i wanted to know why you left
even though i knew he might not have the answers.

Daryll i dont know what im doing,
cuz i know you'll never read this
but i just needed to get it out there,

Daryll, wherever you are
please call me

miss na miss kita...

This is why I shall remember

A brave Sergent who tried to save his friends in that dried up river bank in Afghanistan
A bride at 18, Ortona widow by 19
Some of the stories i heard today hit home.

Before I went to Notre Dame,
remembrance day was just another day
it really meant just a moment of silence
but i didn't know what to think about

Now over the few years at notre dame
a teacher who strives for the students to
listen,
understand,
and learn,
about why we should remember...

Every year I listen to stories,
about war veterans, widows, historians and historic reinactors
telling us why we should remember
and every year i burst into tears
trying to understand what they went through

Listening to their stories means a lot.
They are sharing their memories,
which is our Canadian history
take the time to listen to a veteran and you'll understand

It boggles my mind to see so many empty seats
wear the veterans would sit
It was just 6 years ago that it was filled with veterans
but it was just two years ago what we lost the last
of our veterans of WWI

Today i wear this poppy,
with pride
with knowledge
and respect.

On the eleventh month
of the eleventh day
of the eleventh hour
I will stand in silence
with my poppy on my heart
remembering those who wore the uniform
so we don't have to.

Your just sick, your not going anywhere in life

Dear fuck up.

Honestly,
that's just low,
offering someone money?
seriously
just give up
I'm not coming back to you
just leave me alone.
Your just messed
trying to do things
that would "make me jealous"
well i could care less.
Just give up,
because nothing you do or say
will make me come back to you.


sincerely,
happy without you

A Knight for a Princess

An eventful night full of strained vocal cords and ruby red cheeks
this princess has a night to remember

Mama Mia, started off the night
it was a sing-along if i might add
good times laughing at the corny areas of the movie,
but had fun none the less

The night was coming to an end when we stop at my step,
you asked if i had time for a walk
and that's is what we did
it wasn't a very good walk, since we stopped at the park
gone on the swings till we felt dizzy

we sat on a park bench,
and had a long chat.
i started to shiver
and you kindly put your jacket over my shoulders
after it got a little quiet,
awkward if you want to get specific
I looked into your eyes,
and i knew.

We started talking even more,
the back of my mind wondering
what should i expect? what should i say?

I got a little frightened
because I've never felt this way
its never felt this real for me

I looked at the time, shocked as i was it was late
I had to get going,
I felt like Cinderella having to leave her prince
You said you didn't want me to go,
and that there was something that we had to do.
i looked at you dumbfounded totally forgotten what i realised.

I told me that you liked me,
how my heart beats when i hear you say that
you held my hand
and kissed me

everything made sense
it was like another puzzle piece had fit
now you are a part of my life,
a big part
and i never want to let you go.

Just a ponder....

just a theory but.
are you ever looking at a mirror?
you will automatically say yes, when you want to stare are your reflexion right?
well, are you looking at the mirror, or are you looking at the reflexion of yourself?

What i think, is this.
Your never looking at the actual mirror, its your reflexion.
Since the mirror is reflecting your image, you are seeing yourself
it makes me wonder and ask the question....

what does a mirror actually look like?

this only made sense to the minds of Chloe Prest and I.
please let there be someone else in the world who understands

OM GOSH! hot of the press!! <33

I don't even know where to start this honestly,

I'm totally speechless...

Cupid's arrow was shot, and it was shot directly at my heart.

Its confirmed,

Prince Charming, wants to be in my life.

I might get my fairytale ending after all!

For a while I've been running through scenarios of why he wasn't calling

and it was all because he was so caught up in his royal duties

but now he can save me from the dreaded past that haunted me from before

and start a new chapter a more, happier one with him

you...

You know that i still have feelings for you,
*1 and a half years* worth of feelings.
Not saying that I want you back because I don't

My head was filled with dreams of happiness and joy
now its filled with darkness and dispear
all the things you put me threw haunts me to this day.

One night, I dreamt that my blood was splattered all over the walls of the room we shared. It was dark and very hard to see. I was crying, crying out for mercy but your heart of coal could care less that i was in pain. You kept yelling at me like i was worthless (i always felt worthless). It was about something small that I hadn't done the laundry like you said, and how i never listen or do as you say. You were about to grab me by my neck, then i woke up.

I run that scenario in my head every day,
wondering if that would be how it would be.
Scared and trapped in your arms, never feeling loved.
I look at myself in the mirror,
I no longer cry out blood,
I cry out tears.

I didn't have to wait for prince charming to rescue me
I rescued myself.
It wasn't the thought of others who made my descision
It was the fear in my heart
No longer will you haunt my dreams
No longer will you be in my life.

Sorry its been a while, I know you feel neglected :(

Well, the novel of my life isn't looking so dark and gloomy anymore.
To make a long (1 year and a half long) story short, the antagonist whom i believed was the love of my life was banished off the face of the earth.
I nor longer try and speak with him because all he cares about is getting back with me which i don't want.

However, another boy came into my life.
/well he was always in it, but i never really got the guts to tell anyone, though people saw through me like a glass wall/
Let's call him, Prince Charming
When I am with him its like I'm in a surreal universe where everything is right.
It's weird because I've never felt this way before, i was always the one on the hunt, but now i feel as if I'm the prey; vulnerable and weak.
I can't function without the thought of him on my mind, however people are seeing me as; more happy energetic... because I've moved onto another chapter of my life...

another chapter in this novel, another chapter in which i have to make right. another chapter in which involves, you....

Anal

It's as if nothing I say means a thing to you?
Why is it that you say that you love me but yet I don't think I feel it.

* I love you *

Is just a couple of words that is said everyday.
They used to mean hope and wonder.
A meaning in life, something to encourage me in everything that I wanted to try.
Now that you say it, it feels like a bunch of lies.
Can't you understand that I just won't or can't do it.
It breaks my heart to even hear that you still want to.
Just because you said that my opinions and thoughts matter.
You said you would ever hurt me.
You say this like its nothing.
And this nothing is causing me pain.
I can't even wrap my mind around the thought of you with her to.
Do you think everything I say about her, I mean?
Seriously...

* Just do it with her *

Doesn't give you the permisson.