Have your feelings changed

When this question was asked i was started. I have never loved someone more, and no doubt my love for you has not diminished. This is stronger than any other feeling i've felt.
You say that I was acting differently, how so? I don't know you didn't want to ask that question. But my mind couldn't come off of the fact that you would second guess my love for you. And I started to think and notice.
The walk was quiet and akward.
You gave me one worded answers.
However the rest of the night was all the same, you said that you loved me like you always do. kiss me on the forehead and wished me goodnight but something inside of me didn't want to let you go last night.

I slept like a baby last night but in class i had this dream;

I was there, with you cuddling with you on your bed like always. But your actions and your words confused me. You acted like nothing was the same but deep down i knew that there was something on your mind. Sharp pain came from inside of me and I started to cry... thats when you said goodbye.... and left me.

I think about that and wonder, is that why you asked me if my feelings for you changed? It scared me, the thought of losing you, losing everything that I love again... I didn't want to let that happen. & Today; only a few msgs were returned. No calls. and Still here I am waiting by the phone waiting for you to call... because tonight were supposed to go to a movie that you agreed to... It starts at 9, its not 7:30

I love you, know that. I'm afraid of losing you, if there is anything bothering you tell me and ill fix it. Promise. I won't ever break your heart.

As i pour my heart out....

As I pour my heart out, I know that nothing will change. I know that you still won't trust me like you used to, or you won't look at me and see me the same way. Just know that, that girl has been changed, by the person that you made her to be. You made me see the light in everything,
However that doesn't change the fact of what I've done to you. I'm so sorry, if I could turn back time I could. I don't know how I'll change things and make you see that all I'm saying is true. I'm just going to have to trust the love we shared and hopefully that will help you see that I really have changed from the two weeks. I'm not the type of girl that will just fight for nothing. You aren't nothing and I hate to see that I've changed to into this kind of person. I want to change that, and help you be the person that I have seen you become. I love you and nothing will change that, I shall fight until I have nothing to fight with, 'till I have none of the strength that you have given me to be strong, I will use that power with you.

I think back, and I remember my cousin Elly.... Looking back on what shes done fucking with me and like ruining my life. However, the thing I've done to you wasn't any better than what Elly has done. Constantly I've told myself that I wasn't going to drop myself as low as Elly has, however, that's exactly what I've done. I'm no better, and I want to change that. It's written down and I know what I have to do to change myself. I have to beat down the devil, and that's all the influential guidance that she has given me because all that is bullshit. So fuck you Elly for being that only rolemodel.

I only have myself to blame for all the hurting that I'm feeling right now for losing you. All I can do is hope that you can believe me that I can change, and I know I can I believe myself, I have something to work for, and that something is you.

I've never felt this way before, honestly I've said this again and I'll say it once more. You believed in me unlike any other, you didn't want me like any other guy did. I love you for that....

----To be Continued.

Anonymous strikes again

Anonymous said...

LOL you'd like to thank anonymous?
um hello.. THAT PERSON BASHED YOU, YOU DUMBSHIT. It maybe a comment like this one, but seriously ITS NOT A COMPLIMENT. Fucking moonface bitch.

Lol it amazes me how people actually thing i care about comments like this...

SERIOUSLY I DONT CARE, talk shit all you want but your just another person hiding behind a computer screen. but Moonface bitch? thats new... but thanks, ive always admired the moon

Who have I become

I've lost him already i can feel it, all because of my stupid cousin.

Over the years, I thought my cousin Elly was the biggest influence in my life, shes helped threw the tough times and overall shes been the big sister I've never had.

But looking back now feels as if she wasn't the greatest role model.

She made me into the tough girl i am today, but maybe because she knew that i was going to go threw the hardships that she had, or that she created for me anyway.
She was always the one to ruin my relationships...
1) Wanting to fuck them
2) Wanting to flirt with them
and 3) Taking them away from me (thats what shes good at, yes shes even takin some of the guys that i dated/liked and took them for herself)

But now, she didn't fuck this one up. it was me.... heres the story

My cuzin elly met this guy in the bar who was from sydney australia... She didn't know if she wanted to keep talking to him so she gave him my number so that if she did want to talk to him she can talk to him though my number so that he wouldn't know her real number and bug her everyday.... he finally texted me, and Elly told me to play with it and talk like i wanted him and keep him going or whatever so i did... well my boyfriend found these texts and told me to not text him anymore... and i was glad to... (however pretending to be someone i wasn't was kind of thrilling). Mr Sydney Australia, texted me the next morning however i didn't want to mess things up for E, so i continued... and my boyfriend found all the texts later that day and got upset...

So now here i am trying to fix things... he wanted me to come meet him but my father wouldn't let me. I even tried running out of the house, but he followed me and threw me in the car. When in the car he told me that he hates it when I act up like this, and that I'm turning more and more like my cousin Elly.

I don't want to lose my boyfriend but I can see where he's taking this. Like I understand that he's upset, however he's from Australia i can't really do anything, and besides he doesn't want me in particular, he thought it was E the whole time. Whatever I can make up excuses all night long, but I am turning into Elly more and more everyday...

I don't want to be like her, shes a complete fuck up. She has a kid, and is 3 months pregnant with twins maybe... she fucks around with every guy she can and she leaves her son with my aunt all the time... I don't want to fuck around. I just want to be with my boyfriend... whom, i dont even know how much longer ill be calling him that


Babe. if you read this im extremely sorry, this whole thing wasn't a lie. I love you, and im sorry i fucked everything up. I should have listened to you, but im stupid. I've realized what i can lose and i don't want to lose it. You are everything in the world to me... and if i know love... its what we have, and we'll make it through this... please...

FUCK

So in attempt to make me feel better, RIGHT AFTER I WROTE THE LAST BLOG!
he sends me an FB msg saying that i should come and to msg him asap
well i didnt, cuz i was a bit pissed and PLUS, he knows that i would have no way there...
i don't know i feel like im a whinning little bitch but like honestly. why the fuck didnt my boyfriend talk about this with me earlier when he started making these plans... it makes me feel forgotten when he's with his friends... i try and get him confortable around my friends, but it seems like he doesnt want me around his older friends, some of his friends im ok with now... but its the friends that he's with right now... theres something about them, that changes him


whatever, while he's having fun, im having fun on my own.

Here we go again, -with the boyfriend blues

So, I don't really know how i feel about this situation. My Bf is chilling at his place with a bunch of his friends, a couple of girls and one guy i believe (not too sure).

ANYWAY...
I don't know if i feel jealous or worried that he might cheat on me, because I know he won't, (they're just a couple of his old friends, right? plus he said he wouldn 't)
OR!
If its just the fact that i invite him to various friend events so that he can be comfortable around my friends.

I never really known his friends... only heard things here and there and said hey in the hallways, but never really interacted with them, but it wouldn't hurt to start right? Like i mean, sometimes he doesn't even introduce me and it hurts sometimes. It makes me feel invisible around his friends...


sighs, who knows, we'll see what happens...

Id like to thank anonymous :)

Anonymous said...

you're such a fucken loser...
why would you talk about your sex life on a blog that pretty much EVERYONE can see?

and why the hell are you talking about another school...you know nothing about them. ND sucks! Full of Prostitutes and Retards...

He/She ( or heshe? ) took the time to read and write this comment on my blog, and for that i thank you :) It is people like you who inspire me to blog.

For my 100th Blog, i dedicate this to CHLOE PREST :)

First of all i'd just like to thank my best friend Chloe Prest for introducing blog spot into my life. It has defiantly made a difference in my life to just let it go and getting advice from my friends. Thank you <3>

lalalala so im tired from the party from last night,
even if it was lame. it was pretty interesting to hear some of the conversations going around that night.
some chick got dragged out of the party > someone puking on someones shoes > the toilet is clogged from puke > some drama going on at st puis that is litterally nothing compared to the shit we get at ND.
honestly. wow.

So my boyfriend is leaving for a camping trip today. and i trust him i think? its really hard to say.
Its weird cuz i feel like his using me for sex when i know its not that way. he says that he loves me, but how can you truly know that hes sincere in less than 2 months? but when we do have sex its like im not interested in it because hes not getting me motivated, he just wants to stick it in and will do anything to do so.


anyway whatever
troubles are troubles, and if we let them take over our lives we wont have fun.
so im going to end this off saying, if he does do something to hurt me. i wont take it. I'm done hurting from past relationships and i dont need it from someone else.

Sans facebook is a FAIL!

so this is like my 5th day without facebook and i actually feel like im blocked out of society, like i was kicked out of the circle of gossip. GAHH! give it back. I tried to hack into my OWN fucking faceboook but oviously it didnt work considering sara changed my pass GAHH! >( this is so frusterating. i could only imagin if i actually gave up my cell phone instead! my only lifeline, litterally. its attached at my hip! *sigh. its only till tuesday i can last a couple more days. omg FML! FUCK FACEBOOK for being so addicting! GAH @#$%

MONTH

It has been nearly a month since i looked into your eyes. When i looked i saw the man who hurt me all those many times. I felt sharp pains in my heart, i can't believe this happened this way, but it had to. So many times of how i wanted to comfort you for being in pain just like i'd used to, but im not sorry for what you did. Maybe now you'll understand how i felt through those times. I don't know where the man i fell in love with almost 2 years ago went, if i could save him, i would if i could. I wish we could have still been friends, like you said i was the only one that cared for you from the beginning to the end, and i wished that i could have still done that, but you took it to far that was to big for my little hands. I'm sorry to see you like this, because i know now that you don't feel like you have potential in life, but like all of us. You do.

Where did all the happy moments go to? I want to follow them.
Where did all the laugher get buried? I want to dig them up and laugh again with you like i used to.
Why did the man before me hurt me? The only answer I got was because he loved me.
If he loved me why did he hurt me? No answer

If you think that i want to come back to you, your wrong. I'm currently happy and loving every moment spend with the man currently by my side.

You opened my eyes.

I didn't think it could have been that easy to get out of that hell hole but you, you helped me through it all. You were there when I cried, you were their when I was scared. You told me everything was going to be ok, and that you would do your best to keep you safe, and thats all I needed.

I am a victim of partner assault

So i got a call yesterday stating that i was a victim of partner assault. It feels weird calling myself that. Yes i went through alot with justin, and it wasn't the best relationship ever, but I don't want to be categorized as such. Yes I was hit, beaten, and was hit with alot of hateful words, but I think I got it better than most of the people that are a victim of partner assault.
Anyway, These past few days have been traumatizing. If i can describe it it was defiantly equivalent to hell, or maybe even worst. Seeing someone you cared about for so long, just loosing it in front of your eyes. Yes he got what he deserved, but its hard to just let go all of the emotions that you both shared, whether it was the past or not.

I am moving on with my life. I am finding something new. The past will never be erased, but I know that I'm stronger than ever.

I'm running this race to fast

So its as if im running this course just a little bit faster than you are, which is ironic in a sense because your are the athletic one. But forget that thats going off topic. What i mean to say, is i guess im pushing for the finish line to get there, and your just taking your sweet time enjoying the scenery. Im just going to lay it all out there, i dont want to wait for prom, i want to be your girlfriend now. There i said it, however i highly doubt your going to read this. This is so frusterating I know what i want and i cant get it. Your hesitant and im pushy. ill go to prom with you but im scared that someone will get in the way while i wait.

This time im doing it right

OK, its been official i know i like you, I blush when your around. I get nervous now when i talk to you, like i never had before. But if this does happen i want to make it right. I'm finally doing whatever i can to get this monster out of my life. I really wanted this to work out with no fuck ups so i did the following:
changed my number
blocked him on my house phone
referred him to the police

right now thats all i can do. and i hope that is enough to be with you

Starring at the pictures on the wall
I know you've forgotten
forgotten about the promised that you would call
forgotten about the promise to sushi
forgotten about the promise to catch up
forgotten that you were my friend who...
forgotten that you promised to be there...
and your not

you have forgotten about me, or we were just never strong enough to keep the friendship

the lesson's learned... and i got burned

Trying to just be his friend, is probably the hardest thing I've ever had to do in life. Knowing that he's right there, caring for me as just a friend, looking at my as just a friend, when i see him as soo much more. I keep telling myself to stop and just deal with the pain because its the best that im ever going to get, and id rather not lose him as a friend either. Or would that be easier for me?

I dont know. all i know is that every word spoken to me now, just breaks my heart.

"And to be honest i believe your trying to get us back together, and ill tell you this right now, its not going to happen now. I am done with all this drama that i went through. now dont get me wrong i still want to be your friend, but just that."

These words keep ringing from my head, as tears fall from my eyes. I've lost the greatest thing thats ever happened to me. How do i get better once ive had the best?

And again I made a reference to thinking of you... by katy perry...

You said move on
Where do I go
I guess second best
Is all I will know

Dearest Taylor Clark

So walking down the street and i hear an engine rev up behind me and it was you an old friend. You asked me if i was free and said I had all day, so i got in the car. You told me all about your vacation to florida, and how you missed me a ton. How you thought about me the whole time, because you left without saying goodbye... I asked you where we were going... and you told me it was a surprise, when i realized where you were taking me i burst out laughing... i couldn't believe it. the place where we met...

We had a fun time at midway... playing games as much as we wanted since you knew everyone and we got unlimited coins... we spent about 3 hours there just laughing, mini putting, you even got into a bumper car after 30 mins of constant nagging to join me in bumper cars... lol... by the end, i had a fun time.

It was getting late, so you offered me a drive home, however the drive home was quiet so i asked you what was on your mind. You told me how before you left for florida you really liked me but you were afraid to even ask me if you wanted to see me / date me. but you wanted to... For past relationship problems. You asked me if i still feel the same way, well the way i felt for you before you left, i told you honestly ive changed and seen people in between that time, i even fell in love. You told me that you were really ready, and how you would love to get to know me more, starting seeing me kind of thing... when you said that my mind just sorta drifted away...

I thought about my feelings for N. and how i know hes truely over me and i would never even have a change with him anymore. But am I truely ready to move on? I thought about the times we shared, all the laughs, all the tears, even all the songs... I miss them, and it broke my heart, i was almost about to cry...

I told you that i wouldnt mind hanging out with you, but however I dont know if i was ready to actually see someone right now. Who knows, when i hang out with you something might hit me like a bolt of lighting.

It breaks my heart to realize that i must give up on you n. but its the only way isnt it. I'm not stupid, i know you got my facebook msgs, and didnt call me for a reason... but hey who knows... right... but right now, i know your over me. so i guess thats my only choice right now.... is just to give up on you...

Running away from problems just makes you miss everything else...

So now im sitting here in an old apartment loft in toronto main, listening to Tristan Rain laughing at some baby show on the television.
The reason why I came here was to have fun... and to relax to run away and hide. But whatever I was hiding from is here with me now. I've realized that I was only hiding from the hurt and pain he caused me and the only way I can get rid of that is just to be with the ones I love. Don't get me wrong, I love E to death, but however I don't think a club with a bunch of sweaty 21+ year olds is going to help me nor a mother who has to tend to her child every so often. I didn't have much fun here as i used to.
I know i need to get back, I need to get back where I started and start to heal there. Uncover the laugher thats hiding deep down inside with the crazy people there I call my friends. I've realized that I need them more than ever right now... especially, I need him more than ever.
Its weird however, me and him... were just friends now. I don't know if I'd ever get used to that, but at least I didn't lose him all together. When he called me, i was at home, laughing and smiling and feeling alright, and here... im missing everything thats wonderful back home...

So I bought the next flight out of here, back home... (with my dad's credit card number of course). The only thing that I'm afraid of is, what if they don't want me back....

My ruined life... left shattered

There you were your eyes filled with terror standing before me. Furious with me you threated to take my life away from me.

If it weren't for you, i probably could have fun with my friends. Without the slightest worry that your creeping around the corner, watching my every movement, shuddering from the laughter that you hear no more. If it weren't for the fact that I wasn't afraid of you, i probably would have taken you full force and kill you myself. If it weren't for the memories we shared, you wouldn't have brushed against the memories that would have hurt the most. If it weren't for you I would be happy.

I'm afraid to even be with my friends now for the fact that you might go out to get them. Its not them you want, its me... However you will never find me...

For my dearest friends: S.C.R.
Thank you, for all that you've done for me, but this shall be goodbye... I shall not forget the numerous times we laughed, cried... and when you would put up with my singing. Thank you for constantly being there to dry my tears, you are my life support, and I shall never forget you three... Grads 09 Bitches... My AWA team. forever and always will PJV's song of the day hopfully stay in your hearts.

For the one I lost: N
I'm sorry that I got you into this mess. I knew it was a risk, but as always I followed my heart, and never used my better judgment. However if i hadn't, I would have ever had the best few months that i ever had in my entire life. Cinderella vs. Monsters Inc. Cinderella will always win. Watch out for the pink boa lady behind you, her boa will find you... Chesse pizza... Yumm, don't deny it. You shall be the one that I will cherish in my thoughts and in my heart. I never forgot about you. I'm sorry to have bothered you after i left you, I shouldn't have but again i was following my foolish heart. My Prince Charming I bid you adieu. I love you, I never stopped loving you.

For everyone else, this is goodbye... x0x

Cause when I'm with him
I am thinking of you
Thinking of you
What you would do if
You were the one
Who was spending the night
Oh I wish that I
Was looking into your eyes



Katy Perry - Thinking of you





this song really gets to me everytime its on the radio.
when i was with him i did think of you,
but then now that i'm not, i still do think of you.
wishing that you were still with me.
i highly doubt that ill get that chance again.
though that doesn't mean im not going to try.
I wont push you into anything,
I don't want to hurt you like before...
but i honestly feel like dying without you by my side

Ive actually lost everyone i've ever loved in the past
what this this stupid aphorism about love is the rational act
you can learn from the ones you got hurt from as much as from the people who have loved you... we are afraid to give ourselfs to the ones we love.
I dont understand it. I don't know... i've risked my life for the one i loved and fought for my freedom... Everytime I thought of you and how revolting it was to be with him.... fuck i miss you

The thing i did was never forgiven. its my fault...
Did you say things so that i wouldnt get hurt.
well if that was it worked. i believed the act
i shall never bother you
I never should have called

I shall never have that fantasy

I want it just the way it was...

Speaking with you that night, it felt like my heart stopped. I didn't know how you would react to me calling you. But i'm glad I did. So many of my worries eased away... i'm glad your not going to let me go as a friend.
When i called i felt happy and safe. You eased up the pain that I went through, it was tough to actually laugh but it was easy when you sang. Its like i let my guard down and admire how much i actually love you, and how lucky to have met you. All the tears I've shed for this monster were forgotten when we spoke. All the need of the lack of love and attention were forgotten when we spoke. The baby in me was nurtured by your loving voice.

he screams and yells all bad things about me. not beautiful, your not helpful, your stupid, fucking cunt, for fuck sakes, are you actually retarded, he gets me to do everything for him, he told me he enjoys it when i cry, whenever i do something "bad" he would kick me, punch me, slap me, push me... I'm scared when i was around him.

I just want to run into your arms, and you comforting me, like you always do. Telling me that I am beautiful, that I you love me, and ultimately just telling me what everything was ok

Its just an fantasy, another silly little fantasy now...

Do you know how this feels?

I understand why your taking it all hard, and it hurts me to see you hurt like this. I'm sorry.
But seriously posting it on facebook didn't help me with my sence of mind. I blew it, and I blew it with you, saying the things that I didn't mean to say.
You were nothing but good to me, and i was nothing but saddness and dispear to your life.
I wish I could just run away with you but I can't. He would find us eventually... i know he would.
I'm sorry that it had to come like this, but i couldn't risk your life.

I wish I would do something wrong, so that he could just kill me, so that this madness would be over, and I wouldn't have to see the sadness in your eyes.

This ring

This ring on my finger has a whole different meaning and just because it changed fingers. I can feel the relationships around me change as they notice that the thing that they wanted to push me away from is comming so close to me again, and right now i can't stop it.

I've hurt the one I love, just to save his life. When I say that I loved him, I mean every word, I've truely did fall for him, and i shall never feel the same without him in my life.

I'm so sorry for my friends who have been through those dark times with me.



If wanted, I will run away with him and you shall never see me again. You shall never hear of the awful things he'll do to me, and you shall never see me hurt like I am right now. I'm sorry...
Love is all about taking risks... however, i can't risk losing the most important people in my life.

Matchmaker <3

Ook, so every year for valentines day my school does this match maker thing so see who your "perfect match is". The questions for the questionnaire are always so random and silly. Every year my results are the funniest thing ever. These are my results... Do I match up with you?


Funny thing. In grade 7 I (like all the other girls in my grade, had the biggest crush on Trevor Anzai and I'm number 1 on his list and he's number two on mine =D.

You sent me to emergency

After a great night, you just had to call me and question every little thing about me. You pushed and pushed until you got me to tears. Once again, I was begging you pleading with you to stop playing and toying with my brain but no its like a little game to you. You forced me into a decision that obviously I couldn't make myself since you always knew what was right. So that was it, we were OK, on good terms again, or so I thought.

5:11 in the morning my phone rings, its you. Calling me to push me to my limits again, you don't understand how to leave things alone do you? Well there you go again, saying this, and saying that. Making my mind go a mile a minute. Slowly I felt my mind going numb, I started shaking. Screaming at you to stop. Mom comes in yells at me to shut the fuck up or else she'll call the cops on you. I stand in your defense, not knowing the reason why. She tells me to get out, I don't move. I'm still shaking, my mind feels like its going to explode. The next thing I know, I'm in the car, lights blurring outside... I'm being carried by my dad inside this building of bright lights, my puffy eyes couldn't take it. I'm laid on a bed... while they put me to sleep. I wake up to notice that my mental doctor sitting beside me. She reassures me that I'm ok to go to work. She tells me to try and make a friendship is fine, as long as we keep it controlled and keep my pills. I got home at around 7:45 enough to take a shower and get ready for work.

You don't understand how much energy it takes from me just by talking on the phone with you. I don't understand this Justin. Why do you do this to me. I might not have the same feelings for you as before, but I still have feelings for you not to turn my back on you. People tell me other wise, but I believe if you have a caring friend still there for you Justin, that you will be the great person that I know you can grow to be and a girl that will be proud of. However I'm getting exhausted by the fact that your draining my energy.

I love my boyfriend to death. You asked me if I would ever cheat on him, I won't. You asked me if I would ever dump him if you ever changed, I won't. I am currently happy with Nathan right now Justin and nothing that you ever say or do will change that. I care about you Justin, but sometimes you have to learn to leave it alone.

What happened to you Justin, its like your a whole different person. What happened to the Justin that I fell in love with in the first place?

In my parents' point of view

So I got into a big discussion with my parents about the fact that I'm turning eighteen.
Let me get one point across... in their eyes, i'm still a child. They don't let me go places that I want to go, or stay out late or have sleepovers... The only way i can do that is if i lie, or just sneak out, or stay that I'm with my cousin (who isn't the best influence in the world i know).
Anyway, so i asked them if i was able to be in charge of myself because I am a young adult, there answer was a straight up no. They said if i wanted to stay out late and party or whatever, that I had to move out of their house immediately, (in which i can't wait to).
Whats even more ridicules, is that my younger cousin, gets to stay out and do whatever the fuck he wants. Do you want to know my parents response to that. ITS BECAUSE HE'S A GUY. I almost couldn't believe it, they were keeping me inside the house just because I was a girl? Sometimes I think that my parents never even wanted me, that I was a disgrace ever since the doctor told them I was a girl.

If i was a boy, they would probably respect me more. Trust in my decisions. If I was a boy, what would I be like? Would I be able to go out at night, and party, maybe even get to drink alcohol outside of the house?

If I was a boy my parents would love me more.

So this is what god does when:

Ook in world issues class, we were watching this slide show and Agnes and I saw this picture of this man catching lighting bolts and putting them in a jar. At that moment we said it was God and the reason why he would capture the lighting and save it in a jar, is when he needed it, he would stick his finger in the jar and spite people when he believed it was needed. So then we started making up excuses of why it would rain, snow, thunder etc.

When it rains, God is Crying.
When it snows, God has bad dandruff.
When it rains and thunders, God is sick. That's why mommy never let me out, because she didn't want me to catch the cold. Feel better God :)
When it thunders, God is bowling.

Dearest Martin St. Denis

I don't know how to start this or where to even start saying sorry.
You were my best friend and now I lost that for being stupid and pushing what I wanted from you.
You didn't need anything else but a friend and I wasn't even that to you. You might have not noticed, Marty, but I do care for you. When you hurt, I hurt.
When you confided in me with the secret. I just wanted to give you the biggest hug anyone can get. To see the sadness in your eyes, was like a punch in the gut. I just wanted to tell you that everything was ok, but in the long run. You knew you wouldn't.
Now the fact that you don't even want to talk to me hurts. This is as bad as my cousin Daryll, leaving me for the army, when he was my best friend... coming back and forgetting that I ever existed in his life. This is different... this is not the same as losing my cousin... who was there for me and just left out of no where with no good-byes. This is you leaving, not talking to me for my faults, my actions in life. Marty, if i could turn back time I would, I see the fault in my actions now... and I just wish i could take them back but I can't. Now that I've lost you as a friend, it feels like I've lost everything...

Marty, I wish that someday we'll meet again...

Happy Valentines Day to me...

I really messed up this time, and I don't know if I can ever regain the things I've lost from my stupid actions. Supposedly, this was going to be the valentines day to remember, but I'm currently sitting here lonely... I messed up, I'm only human. However I don't think anyone messes anything up as much as I do.
I want to take this opportunity to say sorry for all those who love me. You shouldn't have seen me like that. If you never want to speak to me again because of my actions and decisions that I've make last night, I understand. Also, I'm sorry to break our plans like that, you probably worked so hard, and now it probably will go down the drain like every feeling you ever had for me. I'm so sorry that I'm so messed up right now. There are some things that I just need to figure out and get over. Its not going to be easy, and a lot of people will get hurt, whatever my decision will be.

Happy Valentines Day.
Thank you for everything.

The stresses of a debutant part 3

Well for the time being I haven't really been stressed.
My location has been book and the invitations are in the process of being made.
The tiara is already picked, and I have an idea of what my dress will look like.
My girls, will be dazzling in blue and my main man for the evening will sweep me off my feet for sure.
This is my fairytale... Just beginging to happen. It's all comming into play... I can't wait :)

Rambling

I wish i could understand why,
I wish i could explain why,
Words words words,
They can mean something when you don't want them to
Or they can hide when you really need to explain it.
My heart is breaking there's no doubt about it
I need you,
Do you need me as much as I need you
I wanted to ask
But then I was to shy to open my mouth.

confused

My pillow is filling up with tears instead of dreams.
I feel like my heart is dying instead of beating.

what is love...

what is love?
love to me is:

• running into his arms and never wanted to let go

• sitting there, just enjoying each others company

• him carrying me like a baby when i feel lonely

• dancing on his feet

• listening to his heartbeat as my lullaby before i go to bed

• staying on the phone with me till im fast asleep making sure i said everything i needed to say to him that day

• being comfortable in your own skin, when i'm being silly, he doesn't care

• thinking im beautiful even when im making the stupidest faces.

• realizing that you were meant to be with each other

Eyes: Opened or Closed?

As a little girl, before I knew anything about relationships, I've always dreamed of how my first kiss would be perfect. We would be in our own world, I would be held tight in his arms and when he kisses me I would close my eyes like I was in a daze and I would feel like I'm flying.

I close my eyes for one main reason:
to be concentrated on the passion of the kiss and the person that I'm kissing. Not on the world around me, but on you.

I'm stronger than you think I am

So this is how its going to be.
$1000 dollars for my freedom.
6 weeks I say to myself.
6 weeks of hell you say.
I can do it, I know I can.
I'm stronger than you think I am.

As tears run down my face.
I look in the mirror.
Why am I crying?
I was done crying over you so long ago.

My heart is breaking.
I punch the mirror.
It shatters into a million pieces just like my heart.
I look at my fist.
It bleeds uncontrollably just like the tears running down my face.

Why is it that I always give in somehow.
But not this time.
I'm not giving you that option.
I'm making my own decisions this time.
Once these 6 weeks are over.
I'll be laughing at you.
Because you'll be the one who will break down
and cry

GAHH!

So I think im on a roller coaster of doom.
I currently don't know where my emotions and feelings lie.
Not really understanding why...
Please get me off!

Arg, im sorry... =(

As I sit here thinking of how I reacted last night, I feel horrible for what I've done. It probably didn't make any sence to why I overreacted but I'll try and explain myself as best as I can.
I don't understand how my heart is feeling, but sometimes I feel that your too busy to take time and understand the way my heart is breaking. I wanted to talk to you and tell you how I was feeilng, but honestly I didn't want to make the conversation depressing... because seriously, the conversation went no where.
I'll tell you one thing about me. I HATE MSN. Honestly there good for quick notes, or like little messages or something, but really having a conversation on msn is just dumb to me. You can't feel the other person's real expression. You can't tell if it is a lie or the truth.
For example LOL. Doesn't mean im truely laughing.
Am I just being a real bitch here or do you understand where I'm trying to get at?

Last night, I was totally out of line. It was stupid of me to say such things. I'm sorry for making the situation bigger than it had to be. Tears formed into my eyes as I said such things to a person who truely doesn't deserve to be spoken like that. As Sara said, we're just starting to learn about each other... I didn't know, I was only trying lighten up the mood.

untitled, [13][01][09]

We're two different people, I know that because I keep stepping on your feet. I guess I was afraid to note it for the very reason why my heart is breaking. I don't want to sound like a bitch, but I felt that I was the only one trying to make do of what we had. I try and show you the person that I really am, but you always shoot her down.
I hate the fact that we also use msn to talk. I know I don't see you often but an msn conversation vs a phone conversation. Our conversations on msn always seem dry. On occasion we will have our good "chats" but that wont heal this empty hole that grows each day I'm apart from you.

I'm not your friend, i'm your girlfriend.
There's a big difference in the two.

Cut Class Not Frogs! EWWWEWWWWW!

EWWWEWWWWW
for yearbook i was FORCED to take pictures of the most nastiest thing in the world. I couldn't take it. OMG! It was sooooo smelly and yucky and...
heres a picture to explain my state of mind....

GAHH YEARBOOK

Dont ask i thought it was gay too


eww gross... mug shot... ehh

This costume was epic. who thinks to be a rubix cube? lol

hahaha aww joe and trev

If only i was a heiruguku everyday

Ilu mosher <3


Fairy... haha :P ilu smurfa



Max just wants some luving


just a few pictures in the yearbook drive i found interesting....
i know i was bored

Currently in French Class

So yah, if my life in french class is pretty boring.
Honestly... arg the techer hovers.

lalala. so tired... so frusterated.

{My Morning}

Didn't start so well...
Maybe it was because I woke up to your phone call.
Annoyed as ever.
I shouldn't have answered.
I was to tired to check the Caller ID.
I don't know what to do in life anymore.
I'm just so confused.
I knew, but then this frusteration with you changes that.
I don't want to play this game with you anymore.

Know this.
Even though he doesn't call me at night like you did.
I'm still crazy-maddly in love with him

definatly going to fail french

OMG this teacher is definatly driving me insane,
i dont understand anything shes saying
and like her hyper-ness doens't process as right in my head
shes just to much in the morning to handel....

ouu my head hurts
it honestly feels like its filled with non-sense.
and it just wants to explode

The stresses of a debutante {Part 2}

Sighs.
I don't even know if the people that I have chosen to be my honorable ladies and gentlemen can make it to my party. Since it's the summer and also during the long weekend people will be traveling or going to see their family. Now I have to resort into like finding "back ups" or just not putting them on the list and getting someone that can actually make it.
I don't think alot of people think this is a big deal, however it is. Theres alot of planning that goes into a debutante ball. Just search it up, its not common now a days but its in my family tradition to host one. I think I might have to resort in a party planner...

ARGG first day back at school.

First of all,

Walked into french class, and met my french teacher for the rest of the semester and all I could think about was OMG, I think I'm going to shoot myself. She's a little hyper french teacher running around the class. Talked real fast, didn't understand a thing. T__T definitely might fail.

Second of all,

Ugly ass couples. I was glad I had a break from seeing these couples fondle each other in the hallways. Let me repeat myself, YOUR NOT ATTACHED AT THE FACE!

Third of all,

Yearbook class. However only like four or less weeks to go... WHOO!

Fourth of all,
The stupid little munch kins that run around the hall trying to get to classes. Not to mention they also reek of bad B.O


arggggggggggg. fuck. school.