Do you know how this feels?

I understand why your taking it all hard, and it hurts me to see you hurt like this. I'm sorry.
But seriously posting it on facebook didn't help me with my sence of mind. I blew it, and I blew it with you, saying the things that I didn't mean to say.
You were nothing but good to me, and i was nothing but saddness and dispear to your life.
I wish I could just run away with you but I can't. He would find us eventually... i know he would.
I'm sorry that it had to come like this, but i couldn't risk your life.

I wish I would do something wrong, so that he could just kill me, so that this madness would be over, and I wouldn't have to see the sadness in your eyes.

This ring

This ring on my finger has a whole different meaning and just because it changed fingers. I can feel the relationships around me change as they notice that the thing that they wanted to push me away from is comming so close to me again, and right now i can't stop it.

I've hurt the one I love, just to save his life. When I say that I loved him, I mean every word, I've truely did fall for him, and i shall never feel the same without him in my life.

I'm so sorry for my friends who have been through those dark times with me.



If wanted, I will run away with him and you shall never see me again. You shall never hear of the awful things he'll do to me, and you shall never see me hurt like I am right now. I'm sorry...
Love is all about taking risks... however, i can't risk losing the most important people in my life.

Matchmaker <3

Ook, so every year for valentines day my school does this match maker thing so see who your "perfect match is". The questions for the questionnaire are always so random and silly. Every year my results are the funniest thing ever. These are my results... Do I match up with you?


Funny thing. In grade 7 I (like all the other girls in my grade, had the biggest crush on Trevor Anzai and I'm number 1 on his list and he's number two on mine =D.

You sent me to emergency

After a great night, you just had to call me and question every little thing about me. You pushed and pushed until you got me to tears. Once again, I was begging you pleading with you to stop playing and toying with my brain but no its like a little game to you. You forced me into a decision that obviously I couldn't make myself since you always knew what was right. So that was it, we were OK, on good terms again, or so I thought.

5:11 in the morning my phone rings, its you. Calling me to push me to my limits again, you don't understand how to leave things alone do you? Well there you go again, saying this, and saying that. Making my mind go a mile a minute. Slowly I felt my mind going numb, I started shaking. Screaming at you to stop. Mom comes in yells at me to shut the fuck up or else she'll call the cops on you. I stand in your defense, not knowing the reason why. She tells me to get out, I don't move. I'm still shaking, my mind feels like its going to explode. The next thing I know, I'm in the car, lights blurring outside... I'm being carried by my dad inside this building of bright lights, my puffy eyes couldn't take it. I'm laid on a bed... while they put me to sleep. I wake up to notice that my mental doctor sitting beside me. She reassures me that I'm ok to go to work. She tells me to try and make a friendship is fine, as long as we keep it controlled and keep my pills. I got home at around 7:45 enough to take a shower and get ready for work.

You don't understand how much energy it takes from me just by talking on the phone with you. I don't understand this Justin. Why do you do this to me. I might not have the same feelings for you as before, but I still have feelings for you not to turn my back on you. People tell me other wise, but I believe if you have a caring friend still there for you Justin, that you will be the great person that I know you can grow to be and a girl that will be proud of. However I'm getting exhausted by the fact that your draining my energy.

I love my boyfriend to death. You asked me if I would ever cheat on him, I won't. You asked me if I would ever dump him if you ever changed, I won't. I am currently happy with Nathan right now Justin and nothing that you ever say or do will change that. I care about you Justin, but sometimes you have to learn to leave it alone.

What happened to you Justin, its like your a whole different person. What happened to the Justin that I fell in love with in the first place?

In my parents' point of view

So I got into a big discussion with my parents about the fact that I'm turning eighteen.
Let me get one point across... in their eyes, i'm still a child. They don't let me go places that I want to go, or stay out late or have sleepovers... The only way i can do that is if i lie, or just sneak out, or stay that I'm with my cousin (who isn't the best influence in the world i know).
Anyway, so i asked them if i was able to be in charge of myself because I am a young adult, there answer was a straight up no. They said if i wanted to stay out late and party or whatever, that I had to move out of their house immediately, (in which i can't wait to).
Whats even more ridicules, is that my younger cousin, gets to stay out and do whatever the fuck he wants. Do you want to know my parents response to that. ITS BECAUSE HE'S A GUY. I almost couldn't believe it, they were keeping me inside the house just because I was a girl? Sometimes I think that my parents never even wanted me, that I was a disgrace ever since the doctor told them I was a girl.

If i was a boy, they would probably respect me more. Trust in my decisions. If I was a boy, what would I be like? Would I be able to go out at night, and party, maybe even get to drink alcohol outside of the house?

If I was a boy my parents would love me more.

So this is what god does when:

Ook in world issues class, we were watching this slide show and Agnes and I saw this picture of this man catching lighting bolts and putting them in a jar. At that moment we said it was God and the reason why he would capture the lighting and save it in a jar, is when he needed it, he would stick his finger in the jar and spite people when he believed it was needed. So then we started making up excuses of why it would rain, snow, thunder etc.

When it rains, God is Crying.
When it snows, God has bad dandruff.
When it rains and thunders, God is sick. That's why mommy never let me out, because she didn't want me to catch the cold. Feel better God :)
When it thunders, God is bowling.

Dearest Martin St. Denis

I don't know how to start this or where to even start saying sorry.
You were my best friend and now I lost that for being stupid and pushing what I wanted from you.
You didn't need anything else but a friend and I wasn't even that to you. You might have not noticed, Marty, but I do care for you. When you hurt, I hurt.
When you confided in me with the secret. I just wanted to give you the biggest hug anyone can get. To see the sadness in your eyes, was like a punch in the gut. I just wanted to tell you that everything was ok, but in the long run. You knew you wouldn't.
Now the fact that you don't even want to talk to me hurts. This is as bad as my cousin Daryll, leaving me for the army, when he was my best friend... coming back and forgetting that I ever existed in his life. This is different... this is not the same as losing my cousin... who was there for me and just left out of no where with no good-byes. This is you leaving, not talking to me for my faults, my actions in life. Marty, if i could turn back time I would, I see the fault in my actions now... and I just wish i could take them back but I can't. Now that I've lost you as a friend, it feels like I've lost everything...

Marty, I wish that someday we'll meet again...

Happy Valentines Day to me...

I really messed up this time, and I don't know if I can ever regain the things I've lost from my stupid actions. Supposedly, this was going to be the valentines day to remember, but I'm currently sitting here lonely... I messed up, I'm only human. However I don't think anyone messes anything up as much as I do.
I want to take this opportunity to say sorry for all those who love me. You shouldn't have seen me like that. If you never want to speak to me again because of my actions and decisions that I've make last night, I understand. Also, I'm sorry to break our plans like that, you probably worked so hard, and now it probably will go down the drain like every feeling you ever had for me. I'm so sorry that I'm so messed up right now. There are some things that I just need to figure out and get over. Its not going to be easy, and a lot of people will get hurt, whatever my decision will be.

Happy Valentines Day.
Thank you for everything.

The stresses of a debutant part 3

Well for the time being I haven't really been stressed.
My location has been book and the invitations are in the process of being made.
The tiara is already picked, and I have an idea of what my dress will look like.
My girls, will be dazzling in blue and my main man for the evening will sweep me off my feet for sure.
This is my fairytale... Just beginging to happen. It's all comming into play... I can't wait :)

Rambling

I wish i could understand why,
I wish i could explain why,
Words words words,
They can mean something when you don't want them to
Or they can hide when you really need to explain it.
My heart is breaking there's no doubt about it
I need you,
Do you need me as much as I need you
I wanted to ask
But then I was to shy to open my mouth.

confused

My pillow is filling up with tears instead of dreams.
I feel like my heart is dying instead of beating.