Starring at the pictures on the wall
I know you've forgotten
forgotten about the promised that you would call
forgotten about the promise to sushi
forgotten about the promise to catch up
forgotten that you were my friend who...
forgotten that you promised to be there...
and your not

you have forgotten about me, or we were just never strong enough to keep the friendship

the lesson's learned... and i got burned

Trying to just be his friend, is probably the hardest thing I've ever had to do in life. Knowing that he's right there, caring for me as just a friend, looking at my as just a friend, when i see him as soo much more. I keep telling myself to stop and just deal with the pain because its the best that im ever going to get, and id rather not lose him as a friend either. Or would that be easier for me?

I dont know. all i know is that every word spoken to me now, just breaks my heart.

"And to be honest i believe your trying to get us back together, and ill tell you this right now, its not going to happen now. I am done with all this drama that i went through. now dont get me wrong i still want to be your friend, but just that."

These words keep ringing from my head, as tears fall from my eyes. I've lost the greatest thing thats ever happened to me. How do i get better once ive had the best?

And again I made a reference to thinking of you... by katy perry...

You said move on
Where do I go
I guess second best
Is all I will know

Dearest Taylor Clark

So walking down the street and i hear an engine rev up behind me and it was you an old friend. You asked me if i was free and said I had all day, so i got in the car. You told me all about your vacation to florida, and how you missed me a ton. How you thought about me the whole time, because you left without saying goodbye... I asked you where we were going... and you told me it was a surprise, when i realized where you were taking me i burst out laughing... i couldn't believe it. the place where we met...

We had a fun time at midway... playing games as much as we wanted since you knew everyone and we got unlimited coins... we spent about 3 hours there just laughing, mini putting, you even got into a bumper car after 30 mins of constant nagging to join me in bumper cars... lol... by the end, i had a fun time.

It was getting late, so you offered me a drive home, however the drive home was quiet so i asked you what was on your mind. You told me how before you left for florida you really liked me but you were afraid to even ask me if you wanted to see me / date me. but you wanted to... For past relationship problems. You asked me if i still feel the same way, well the way i felt for you before you left, i told you honestly ive changed and seen people in between that time, i even fell in love. You told me that you were really ready, and how you would love to get to know me more, starting seeing me kind of thing... when you said that my mind just sorta drifted away...

I thought about my feelings for N. and how i know hes truely over me and i would never even have a change with him anymore. But am I truely ready to move on? I thought about the times we shared, all the laughs, all the tears, even all the songs... I miss them, and it broke my heart, i was almost about to cry...

I told you that i wouldnt mind hanging out with you, but however I dont know if i was ready to actually see someone right now. Who knows, when i hang out with you something might hit me like a bolt of lighting.

It breaks my heart to realize that i must give up on you n. but its the only way isnt it. I'm not stupid, i know you got my facebook msgs, and didnt call me for a reason... but hey who knows... right... but right now, i know your over me. so i guess thats my only choice right now.... is just to give up on you...

Running away from problems just makes you miss everything else...

So now im sitting here in an old apartment loft in toronto main, listening to Tristan Rain laughing at some baby show on the television.
The reason why I came here was to have fun... and to relax to run away and hide. But whatever I was hiding from is here with me now. I've realized that I was only hiding from the hurt and pain he caused me and the only way I can get rid of that is just to be with the ones I love. Don't get me wrong, I love E to death, but however I don't think a club with a bunch of sweaty 21+ year olds is going to help me nor a mother who has to tend to her child every so often. I didn't have much fun here as i used to.
I know i need to get back, I need to get back where I started and start to heal there. Uncover the laugher thats hiding deep down inside with the crazy people there I call my friends. I've realized that I need them more than ever right now... especially, I need him more than ever.
Its weird however, me and him... were just friends now. I don't know if I'd ever get used to that, but at least I didn't lose him all together. When he called me, i was at home, laughing and smiling and feeling alright, and here... im missing everything thats wonderful back home...

So I bought the next flight out of here, back home... (with my dad's credit card number of course). The only thing that I'm afraid of is, what if they don't want me back....

My ruined life... left shattered

There you were your eyes filled with terror standing before me. Furious with me you threated to take my life away from me.

If it weren't for you, i probably could have fun with my friends. Without the slightest worry that your creeping around the corner, watching my every movement, shuddering from the laughter that you hear no more. If it weren't for the fact that I wasn't afraid of you, i probably would have taken you full force and kill you myself. If it weren't for the memories we shared, you wouldn't have brushed against the memories that would have hurt the most. If it weren't for you I would be happy.

I'm afraid to even be with my friends now for the fact that you might go out to get them. Its not them you want, its me... However you will never find me...

For my dearest friends: S.C.R.
Thank you, for all that you've done for me, but this shall be goodbye... I shall not forget the numerous times we laughed, cried... and when you would put up with my singing. Thank you for constantly being there to dry my tears, you are my life support, and I shall never forget you three... Grads 09 Bitches... My AWA team. forever and always will PJV's song of the day hopfully stay in your hearts.

For the one I lost: N
I'm sorry that I got you into this mess. I knew it was a risk, but as always I followed my heart, and never used my better judgment. However if i hadn't, I would have ever had the best few months that i ever had in my entire life. Cinderella vs. Monsters Inc. Cinderella will always win. Watch out for the pink boa lady behind you, her boa will find you... Chesse pizza... Yumm, don't deny it. You shall be the one that I will cherish in my thoughts and in my heart. I never forgot about you. I'm sorry to have bothered you after i left you, I shouldn't have but again i was following my foolish heart. My Prince Charming I bid you adieu. I love you, I never stopped loving you.

For everyone else, this is goodbye... x0x

Cause when I'm with him
I am thinking of you
Thinking of you
What you would do if
You were the one
Who was spending the night
Oh I wish that I
Was looking into your eyes



Katy Perry - Thinking of you





this song really gets to me everytime its on the radio.
when i was with him i did think of you,
but then now that i'm not, i still do think of you.
wishing that you were still with me.
i highly doubt that ill get that chance again.
though that doesn't mean im not going to try.
I wont push you into anything,
I don't want to hurt you like before...
but i honestly feel like dying without you by my side

Ive actually lost everyone i've ever loved in the past
what this this stupid aphorism about love is the rational act
you can learn from the ones you got hurt from as much as from the people who have loved you... we are afraid to give ourselfs to the ones we love.
I dont understand it. I don't know... i've risked my life for the one i loved and fought for my freedom... Everytime I thought of you and how revolting it was to be with him.... fuck i miss you

The thing i did was never forgiven. its my fault...
Did you say things so that i wouldnt get hurt.
well if that was it worked. i believed the act
i shall never bother you
I never should have called

I shall never have that fantasy

I want it just the way it was...

Speaking with you that night, it felt like my heart stopped. I didn't know how you would react to me calling you. But i'm glad I did. So many of my worries eased away... i'm glad your not going to let me go as a friend.
When i called i felt happy and safe. You eased up the pain that I went through, it was tough to actually laugh but it was easy when you sang. Its like i let my guard down and admire how much i actually love you, and how lucky to have met you. All the tears I've shed for this monster were forgotten when we spoke. All the need of the lack of love and attention were forgotten when we spoke. The baby in me was nurtured by your loving voice.

he screams and yells all bad things about me. not beautiful, your not helpful, your stupid, fucking cunt, for fuck sakes, are you actually retarded, he gets me to do everything for him, he told me he enjoys it when i cry, whenever i do something "bad" he would kick me, punch me, slap me, push me... I'm scared when i was around him.

I just want to run into your arms, and you comforting me, like you always do. Telling me that I am beautiful, that I you love me, and ultimately just telling me what everything was ok

Its just an fantasy, another silly little fantasy now...