As i pour my heart out....

As I pour my heart out, I know that nothing will change. I know that you still won't trust me like you used to, or you won't look at me and see me the same way. Just know that, that girl has been changed, by the person that you made her to be. You made me see the light in everything,
However that doesn't change the fact of what I've done to you. I'm so sorry, if I could turn back time I could. I don't know how I'll change things and make you see that all I'm saying is true. I'm just going to have to trust the love we shared and hopefully that will help you see that I really have changed from the two weeks. I'm not the type of girl that will just fight for nothing. You aren't nothing and I hate to see that I've changed to into this kind of person. I want to change that, and help you be the person that I have seen you become. I love you and nothing will change that, I shall fight until I have nothing to fight with, 'till I have none of the strength that you have given me to be strong, I will use that power with you.

I think back, and I remember my cousin Elly.... Looking back on what shes done fucking with me and like ruining my life. However, the thing I've done to you wasn't any better than what Elly has done. Constantly I've told myself that I wasn't going to drop myself as low as Elly has, however, that's exactly what I've done. I'm no better, and I want to change that. It's written down and I know what I have to do to change myself. I have to beat down the devil, and that's all the influential guidance that she has given me because all that is bullshit. So fuck you Elly for being that only rolemodel.

I only have myself to blame for all the hurting that I'm feeling right now for losing you. All I can do is hope that you can believe me that I can change, and I know I can I believe myself, I have something to work for, and that something is you.

I've never felt this way before, honestly I've said this again and I'll say it once more. You believed in me unlike any other, you didn't want me like any other guy did. I love you for that....

----To be Continued.

Anonymous strikes again

Anonymous said...

LOL you'd like to thank anonymous?
um hello.. THAT PERSON BASHED YOU, YOU DUMBSHIT. It maybe a comment like this one, but seriously ITS NOT A COMPLIMENT. Fucking moonface bitch.

Lol it amazes me how people actually thing i care about comments like this...

SERIOUSLY I DONT CARE, talk shit all you want but your just another person hiding behind a computer screen. but Moonface bitch? thats new... but thanks, ive always admired the moon

Who have I become

I've lost him already i can feel it, all because of my stupid cousin.

Over the years, I thought my cousin Elly was the biggest influence in my life, shes helped threw the tough times and overall shes been the big sister I've never had.

But looking back now feels as if she wasn't the greatest role model.

She made me into the tough girl i am today, but maybe because she knew that i was going to go threw the hardships that she had, or that she created for me anyway.
She was always the one to ruin my relationships...
1) Wanting to fuck them
2) Wanting to flirt with them
and 3) Taking them away from me (thats what shes good at, yes shes even takin some of the guys that i dated/liked and took them for herself)

But now, she didn't fuck this one up. it was me.... heres the story

My cuzin elly met this guy in the bar who was from sydney australia... She didn't know if she wanted to keep talking to him so she gave him my number so that if she did want to talk to him she can talk to him though my number so that he wouldn't know her real number and bug her everyday.... he finally texted me, and Elly told me to play with it and talk like i wanted him and keep him going or whatever so i did... well my boyfriend found these texts and told me to not text him anymore... and i was glad to... (however pretending to be someone i wasn't was kind of thrilling). Mr Sydney Australia, texted me the next morning however i didn't want to mess things up for E, so i continued... and my boyfriend found all the texts later that day and got upset...

So now here i am trying to fix things... he wanted me to come meet him but my father wouldn't let me. I even tried running out of the house, but he followed me and threw me in the car. When in the car he told me that he hates it when I act up like this, and that I'm turning more and more like my cousin Elly.

I don't want to lose my boyfriend but I can see where he's taking this. Like I understand that he's upset, however he's from Australia i can't really do anything, and besides he doesn't want me in particular, he thought it was E the whole time. Whatever I can make up excuses all night long, but I am turning into Elly more and more everyday...

I don't want to be like her, shes a complete fuck up. She has a kid, and is 3 months pregnant with twins maybe... she fucks around with every guy she can and she leaves her son with my aunt all the time... I don't want to fuck around. I just want to be with my boyfriend... whom, i dont even know how much longer ill be calling him that


Babe. if you read this im extremely sorry, this whole thing wasn't a lie. I love you, and im sorry i fucked everything up. I should have listened to you, but im stupid. I've realized what i can lose and i don't want to lose it. You are everything in the world to me... and if i know love... its what we have, and we'll make it through this... please...

FUCK

So in attempt to make me feel better, RIGHT AFTER I WROTE THE LAST BLOG!
he sends me an FB msg saying that i should come and to msg him asap
well i didnt, cuz i was a bit pissed and PLUS, he knows that i would have no way there...
i don't know i feel like im a whinning little bitch but like honestly. why the fuck didnt my boyfriend talk about this with me earlier when he started making these plans... it makes me feel forgotten when he's with his friends... i try and get him confortable around my friends, but it seems like he doesnt want me around his older friends, some of his friends im ok with now... but its the friends that he's with right now... theres something about them, that changes him


whatever, while he's having fun, im having fun on my own.

Here we go again, -with the boyfriend blues

So, I don't really know how i feel about this situation. My Bf is chilling at his place with a bunch of his friends, a couple of girls and one guy i believe (not too sure).

ANYWAY...
I don't know if i feel jealous or worried that he might cheat on me, because I know he won't, (they're just a couple of his old friends, right? plus he said he wouldn 't)
OR!
If its just the fact that i invite him to various friend events so that he can be comfortable around my friends.

I never really known his friends... only heard things here and there and said hey in the hallways, but never really interacted with them, but it wouldn't hurt to start right? Like i mean, sometimes he doesn't even introduce me and it hurts sometimes. It makes me feel invisible around his friends...


sighs, who knows, we'll see what happens...

Id like to thank anonymous :)

Anonymous said...

you're such a fucken loser...
why would you talk about your sex life on a blog that pretty much EVERYONE can see?

and why the hell are you talking about another school...you know nothing about them. ND sucks! Full of Prostitutes and Retards...

He/She ( or heshe? ) took the time to read and write this comment on my blog, and for that i thank you :) It is people like you who inspire me to blog.

For my 100th Blog, i dedicate this to CHLOE PREST :)

First of all i'd just like to thank my best friend Chloe Prest for introducing blog spot into my life. It has defiantly made a difference in my life to just let it go and getting advice from my friends. Thank you <3>

lalalala so im tired from the party from last night,
even if it was lame. it was pretty interesting to hear some of the conversations going around that night.
some chick got dragged out of the party > someone puking on someones shoes > the toilet is clogged from puke > some drama going on at st puis that is litterally nothing compared to the shit we get at ND.
honestly. wow.

So my boyfriend is leaving for a camping trip today. and i trust him i think? its really hard to say.
Its weird cuz i feel like his using me for sex when i know its not that way. he says that he loves me, but how can you truly know that hes sincere in less than 2 months? but when we do have sex its like im not interested in it because hes not getting me motivated, he just wants to stick it in and will do anything to do so.


anyway whatever
troubles are troubles, and if we let them take over our lives we wont have fun.
so im going to end this off saying, if he does do something to hurt me. i wont take it. I'm done hurting from past relationships and i dont need it from someone else.