Who have I become

I've lost him already i can feel it, all because of my stupid cousin.

Over the years, I thought my cousin Elly was the biggest influence in my life, shes helped threw the tough times and overall shes been the big sister I've never had.

But looking back now feels as if she wasn't the greatest role model.

She made me into the tough girl i am today, but maybe because she knew that i was going to go threw the hardships that she had, or that she created for me anyway.
She was always the one to ruin my relationships...
1) Wanting to fuck them
2) Wanting to flirt with them
and 3) Taking them away from me (thats what shes good at, yes shes even takin some of the guys that i dated/liked and took them for herself)

But now, she didn't fuck this one up. it was me.... heres the story

My cuzin elly met this guy in the bar who was from sydney australia... She didn't know if she wanted to keep talking to him so she gave him my number so that if she did want to talk to him she can talk to him though my number so that he wouldn't know her real number and bug her everyday.... he finally texted me, and Elly told me to play with it and talk like i wanted him and keep him going or whatever so i did... well my boyfriend found these texts and told me to not text him anymore... and i was glad to... (however pretending to be someone i wasn't was kind of thrilling). Mr Sydney Australia, texted me the next morning however i didn't want to mess things up for E, so i continued... and my boyfriend found all the texts later that day and got upset...

So now here i am trying to fix things... he wanted me to come meet him but my father wouldn't let me. I even tried running out of the house, but he followed me and threw me in the car. When in the car he told me that he hates it when I act up like this, and that I'm turning more and more like my cousin Elly.

I don't want to lose my boyfriend but I can see where he's taking this. Like I understand that he's upset, however he's from Australia i can't really do anything, and besides he doesn't want me in particular, he thought it was E the whole time. Whatever I can make up excuses all night long, but I am turning into Elly more and more everyday...

I don't want to be like her, shes a complete fuck up. She has a kid, and is 3 months pregnant with twins maybe... she fucks around with every guy she can and she leaves her son with my aunt all the time... I don't want to fuck around. I just want to be with my boyfriend... whom, i dont even know how much longer ill be calling him that


Babe. if you read this im extremely sorry, this whole thing wasn't a lie. I love you, and im sorry i fucked everything up. I should have listened to you, but im stupid. I've realized what i can lose and i don't want to lose it. You are everything in the world to me... and if i know love... its what we have, and we'll make it through this... please...

FUCK

So in attempt to make me feel better, RIGHT AFTER I WROTE THE LAST BLOG!
he sends me an FB msg saying that i should come and to msg him asap
well i didnt, cuz i was a bit pissed and PLUS, he knows that i would have no way there...
i don't know i feel like im a whinning little bitch but like honestly. why the fuck didnt my boyfriend talk about this with me earlier when he started making these plans... it makes me feel forgotten when he's with his friends... i try and get him confortable around my friends, but it seems like he doesnt want me around his older friends, some of his friends im ok with now... but its the friends that he's with right now... theres something about them, that changes him


whatever, while he's having fun, im having fun on my own.

Here we go again, -with the boyfriend blues

So, I don't really know how i feel about this situation. My Bf is chilling at his place with a bunch of his friends, a couple of girls and one guy i believe (not too sure).

ANYWAY...
I don't know if i feel jealous or worried that he might cheat on me, because I know he won't, (they're just a couple of his old friends, right? plus he said he wouldn 't)
OR!
If its just the fact that i invite him to various friend events so that he can be comfortable around my friends.

I never really known his friends... only heard things here and there and said hey in the hallways, but never really interacted with them, but it wouldn't hurt to start right? Like i mean, sometimes he doesn't even introduce me and it hurts sometimes. It makes me feel invisible around his friends...


sighs, who knows, we'll see what happens...

Id like to thank anonymous :)

Anonymous said...

you're such a fucken loser...
why would you talk about your sex life on a blog that pretty much EVERYONE can see?

and why the hell are you talking about another school...you know nothing about them. ND sucks! Full of Prostitutes and Retards...

He/She ( or heshe? ) took the time to read and write this comment on my blog, and for that i thank you :) It is people like you who inspire me to blog.

For my 100th Blog, i dedicate this to CHLOE PREST :)

First of all i'd just like to thank my best friend Chloe Prest for introducing blog spot into my life. It has defiantly made a difference in my life to just let it go and getting advice from my friends. Thank you <3>

lalalala so im tired from the party from last night,
even if it was lame. it was pretty interesting to hear some of the conversations going around that night.
some chick got dragged out of the party > someone puking on someones shoes > the toilet is clogged from puke > some drama going on at st puis that is litterally nothing compared to the shit we get at ND.
honestly. wow.

So my boyfriend is leaving for a camping trip today. and i trust him i think? its really hard to say.
Its weird cuz i feel like his using me for sex when i know its not that way. he says that he loves me, but how can you truly know that hes sincere in less than 2 months? but when we do have sex its like im not interested in it because hes not getting me motivated, he just wants to stick it in and will do anything to do so.


anyway whatever
troubles are troubles, and if we let them take over our lives we wont have fun.
so im going to end this off saying, if he does do something to hurt me. i wont take it. I'm done hurting from past relationships and i dont need it from someone else.

Sans facebook is a FAIL!

so this is like my 5th day without facebook and i actually feel like im blocked out of society, like i was kicked out of the circle of gossip. GAHH! give it back. I tried to hack into my OWN fucking faceboook but oviously it didnt work considering sara changed my pass GAHH! >( this is so frusterating. i could only imagin if i actually gave up my cell phone instead! my only lifeline, litterally. its attached at my hip! *sigh. its only till tuesday i can last a couple more days. omg FML! FUCK FACEBOOK for being so addicting! GAH @#$%

MONTH

It has been nearly a month since i looked into your eyes. When i looked i saw the man who hurt me all those many times. I felt sharp pains in my heart, i can't believe this happened this way, but it had to. So many times of how i wanted to comfort you for being in pain just like i'd used to, but im not sorry for what you did. Maybe now you'll understand how i felt through those times. I don't know where the man i fell in love with almost 2 years ago went, if i could save him, i would if i could. I wish we could have still been friends, like you said i was the only one that cared for you from the beginning to the end, and i wished that i could have still done that, but you took it to far that was to big for my little hands. I'm sorry to see you like this, because i know now that you don't feel like you have potential in life, but like all of us. You do.

Where did all the happy moments go to? I want to follow them.
Where did all the laugher get buried? I want to dig them up and laugh again with you like i used to.
Why did the man before me hurt me? The only answer I got was because he loved me.
If he loved me why did he hurt me? No answer

If you think that i want to come back to you, your wrong. I'm currently happy and loving every moment spend with the man currently by my side.